


The time that he let go

by NasdaqandtheStocks



Series: Inside you're thoughts, outside your head [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, F/M, Josh is in a coma, Tagtime, broken hearted Josh, kinda sad, sad people, self hatred, slight mentions of possible suicide, trashy ex girlfriend, what are tags anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-09-25 20:11:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9842015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NasdaqandtheStocks/pseuds/NasdaqandtheStocks
Summary: Joshua was clean. He had been for 5 years going on 6. He decided to quit when he got into an altercation with his brother in his dizzied drunken state. 5 years ago. He never intended for any of his family to get hurt. He also found it to be better for him since he had gotten into a new band. It had all worked out.Of course Tyler knew and he helped Josh get past it. He knew that once another drop of alcohol hit Josh’s lips again, it would be game over. So Tyler watches Josh, just to make sure Josh doesn’t go back.But sometimes things don't go as planned.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heeeeeyyyy....I'm new at this stuff so I'm sorry if this sucks a lot...Anyway, thanks for showing at least some sort of interest in this.  
> Quick disclaimer: This depicts alcohol abuse but probably not in the real way. It's completely fictional so I apologize if this makes anyone unhappy....

Josh’s phone rings nonstop for 5 minutes. He opens his eyes slowly and reaches for it. He checks the time on his phone, squinting at the bright screen that fills his dark room with light. It’s 8:30 pm. He sees that the calls are from his girlfriend, Ashley. They’d been together for almost 2 years and Josh was happiest when he was around her. She was his light, his love, one of the reasons he knew it was the right choice to quit drinking.

  
“Hello?” His voice comes out scratchy and deep.

  
“Joshua…hi.” Ashley answers quietly, “Did I wake you?”

  
Something about her tone makes Josh feel nervous.

  
“Yeah, but it’s fine. What’s up?” He asks cautiously.

  
He hears nothing on the other end of the line and then he hears a faint sigh, “Joshua, we need to talk.”

  
She almost never calls him ‘Joshua’, just ‘Josh’ like everyone else.

  
“Okay, I’m listening…” He says cautiously, sitting up in his bed and turning on the lamp beside it.

  
“So…listen, I’ve…well, see, I love you Josh. You know that right?”

  
“Mhm.”

  
“But…geez how do I say this…through our relationship I’ve…I met someone and…he’s this great guy and I love him too. I just…I just think that me and you, we’ve lost our connection, ya’ know? I know it’s wrong, but I really love him. And…you deserve someone better. Someone who can treat you better than I can. Josh I love you, but…I think this is the end…of us.”

  
Josh just sits there, shocked. She…cheated on him. No, that’s-that’s insane. Not true. She wouldn’t do this to him. They had something so real, so special. He loved her to death and she just…threw that away.

  
“Joshua?”

  
He puts down his phone and gets out of his bed, suddenly losing purpose. He leaves his phone by his bed, not wanting to deal with the reality of the girl that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, didn’t want to do the same with him.  
Josh grabs a sweatshirt from his closet and puts on some shoes. He grabs his car keys and his wallet and walks out the door, not even bothering to close it the whole way.  
He’s going to take a trip he hasn’t taken in years.  
-

  
Tyler is sitting in his bedroom with Jenna.

  
“Hey, so I was wondering if maybe we could throw Josh a small ‘sober’ party to celebrate his 5th year of being sober. I just think that he’s been doing so good so far and I think he needs the extra boost.” Tyler knew how severe Josh’s problem had become and he thought it was quite a feat to overcome that.

  
“Yes! Definitely. That sounds great! We could have it here.” Jenna smiles at Tyler who is now writing something down in a note book.

  
“Great! Let’s do this!”  
-

  
Josh walks into the Walmart and heads towards the alcohol section. He knows all too well where it is.

  
He grabs the strongest stuff he can find.

  
He’s gonna have a pity party tonight.  
-

  
With multiple grocery bags, full of alcohol, Josh walks quickly to his car, loads it up, and gets in.

  
There’s a painful reminder of his broken relationship with Ashley sitting in his car: A strip of pictures they had gotten from a photo booth at a festival they had attended. He had avoided looking at it on his way to the store, but it was burning a hole in the side of his head now.

  
He glances at it and breaks down immediately. He knew that would be the outcome of him looking at the pictures that he once loved, but he couldn’t help hurting himself like this.

  
He digs into one of the bags and takes out a bottle. He doesn’t know which one it is, but he opens it and takes a swig.  
It stings the back of his throat and gives him that familiar feeling of evil comfort.

  
He starts up his car, knowing he’s sober enough to drive.  
-  
He swings the door to his house open, properly closing it this time.

  
He runs to his bedroom, bags in hand and slams the door like he’s trying to prove how angry he is to somebody, even though he’s alone. He’s always alone.  
-

  
The party begins at 9:10. One swig of straight liquor. The comfortable feeling of darkness that he had been previously in slipping around him, enveloping him into its grasp.

  
“Ashley!” He yells, “pitiful.” He yells at himself. He feels miserable.

  
“They’ll never stay and it’s your fault Josh! Nobody could ever love you, you piece of garbage!” He takes out another unknown bottle from a bag and opens it, not caring what the effects of the mix of alcohol will do to him later.

  
He sobs, sliding down to the floor, bottles in hand. All he can do is drink.

  
All he wants is to drink.

  
His only friends right now are the multiple bottles waiting for him to take advantage of them.  
-

  
It’s 9:30.

  
Josh has successfully found his comfort again, his secure hole that he had let go of 5 years ago.

  
_Drink Joshua_

  
_Drink_

  
His brain urges him to keep going as the pain in his heart dulls and the feeling of drunken carelessness overwhelms his body.

  
One empty bottle.

  
Two empty bottles.

  
His phone rings. Josh laughs at it. He laughs at Ashley and her stupid face. He hates her. No, he can’t hate her. He doesn’t know how he feels any more. He feels drunk. If that’s an emotion.

  
Full but empty.

  
He gets up and wobbles over to his phone. He snatches it up from the bedside table.

  
“Wha?” His response is barely a word.

  
“Josh? Josh are you okay? I’ve been calling you for 30 minutes.” Ashley sounds panicked, but what can she do now?  
“imfineashley. Leaveme…alone!” He yells at her and throws his phone at the wall, sobbing.

  
Josh laughs and cries when his phone shatters on the ground. He falls forward when he attempts to stand back up.  
Three empty bottles.  
-

  
“Tyler?” Jenna opens her eyes slowly, and squints at the light shining in her eyes.

  
Tyler couldn’t sleep. He just felt wrong. He felt the need to write. He just felt too awake.

  
Tyler is frantically writing down thought after thought, words just spilling from his mind. He figures that when he reads this later, it won’t make sense. It’s just one of those nights when he just needs to uncage the tiger in his brain.

  
“mm,” Is his reply.

  
Jenna sighs, “Never mind. Don’t stay up too late tonight okay?”

  
She knows how he gets; the look of concentration all over his face, his pencil scribbling phrases that she may never see. She never interrupts him because she knows how important it is for him.

  
“Yeah, sure.”  
-

  
Josh is hysterical.

  
His brain feels lazy, he figures he’s gonna have the worst hangover in the morning. If there is a morning for him.

  
“Ihope you-re HAPPY A-ashley-y.” Josh hiccups and laughs throwing a bottle at a wall. The glass shatters and spills its contents onto the wall and the floor, “y-you k-know I…I ACtuaLly LOVED y-you. ILOVE Y….you, yeah. But we-we are through…we’re through.”

  
Josh struggles with the doorknob to his room and opens it, tripping on the rug outside of his door.

  
“Ha igotchu! Gotchu!” he laughs at the rug. Not a laugh of happiness, no, but that of sadness and agony. He needs someone. Someone to save him.

  
But he doesn’t want to be saved anymore.  
-

  
Josh, feeling the most intense feeling of fury, grabs a picture of him and Ashley and lugs it across the room. He hears it crash and hit the floor.

  
“oh ye-eah. Eat that A-ashley!” He grabs two more picture frames, one of them together at a concert and another of them at Ashley’s birthday party.

  
“IHATEYOU!” Josh laughs but then begins to fall again. Sobbing, he crawls back to his room, too wasted to understand anything anymore.

  
“Gosh I love you.”  
-

  
Tyler’s phone rings.

  
Luckily, he can’t sleep anyways, so he’s perfectly fine with answering.

  
He picks up the phone and answers quickly, trying to make sure that the ringing doesn’t disturb Jenna.  
“Hello?”

  
“H-hey buddy. Do you know t-the q-quickest way t-to h-have your entire life crash down around you? I do. Hey, do you h-have an-ny alcohol ov-ver there? I-I’m runnin’ out.” Josh rambles. Tyler barely makes out his words.

  
“Josh? Are you okay? Are you drinking?” Clearly that isn’t an option. Josh is clean. _Josh is clean_.

  
“S-so? I-I don’t matter anyways. At l-least that’s wh-what Ashley think-ks.” Tyler can now make out that his best friend is crying and laughing. Josh is drunk. Josh is wasted. Josh was doing so good.

  
“Josh please don’t drink. You were doing so good. Josh, put the drinks away.” Tyler hops out of bed and heads over to a dresser. He takes out some shorts and a black shirt.

  
“You aren’tmymom…and I think…that I…won’t do that.” Josh hangs up the phone.

  
Just like that.

  
That phone call told Tyler enough to know that Josh is going back to his old ways and he knows that Josh may not recover from it this time.

  
Tyler quickly puts on his clothes. Jenna stirs a little and wakes up again.

  
“Tyler? Are you okay?” Jenna sits up in bed this time, rubbing her eyes.

  
“Josh is drinking again and I have to help Jenna. He’s gonna hurt himself again.” When Jenna hears the phrase ‘Josh is drinking again,’ she immediately jumps out of bed.

  
“Oh Gosh! Why did he start up again?” Jenna asks, going over to the dresser and picking out clothes for herself.

  
“I-I don’t know! I think it has something to do with Ashley.” Tyler is panicking. His best friend is about to lose himself and he has to be there to try and save him.

  
“I’m gonna call her.” Jenna goes to her bedside table and grabs her phone. The phone dials up while she puts on some sweatpants.

  
Tyler goes downstairs and Jenna follows behind. He grabs his keys and rushes out the door swiftly, like the wind.

  
They get into the car and as soon as they’re in, Tyler pulls out of the driveway and is speeding down the road in a matter of seconds.  
-

  
_“Hi Ashley, it’s Jenna. I was just calling to ask if everything is okay with you and Josh. He started drinking again and we’re worried. Okay, talk to you later. Bye.”_  
-

  
Tyler pulls up to Josh’s house and sprints up to his front door from out of the car. It’s almost 10:30 by now and Tyler doesn’t know how long Josh has been drinking.

  
“Josh! Josh open up!” Tyler frantically bangs on the door awaiting a response from his best friend. Jenna comes up behind him quickly.

  
“Josh please stop drinking! Please open up!” Jenna calls out Tyler knocks on the door.

  
They hear glass shattering and make eye contact, the fear in their eyes being exchanged.  
“Josh!”  
-

  
The knock on the door only makes Josh angrier. Josh can barely stand up on his own and he had begun seeing things 10 minutes prior to his sob party being crashed. He occasionally sees Ashley sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at him. Each time, he grabs something and throws it, but by then, she already disappeared.

  
He could hardly see but it felt nice not being able to see the true colors of the world again and falling back into that deep sense of carelessness.

  
The banging on the door gets louder and louder in Josh’s ears.

  
“No.” He whispers. Attempts to crawl to the front door, but fails and collapses in the hallway.

  
“Josh!” He doesn’t need help.

  
“LeavemeALONE!” He yells and cries at whoever decided to try and be the hero today.  
But no one can save the day today, because he’s too broken.  
-

  
“That’s it. We’re breaking in.” Tyler looks at Jenna who nods in agreement. They had to get Josh out of there before things turned lethal.

  
“How? Are we gonna break through a window or something? What?” Jenna asks getting nervous at the thought of the police catching them and taking them to jail.

  
“We’ll try the door first. With both of our weight combined, we can probably take it down. And I don’t care about the police or the neighbors right now. I just care about Josh.”

  
“Okay…Let’s do this.” Jenna says fiddling with her shirt. This is for Josh.

  
“I…2…3!” They both crash into the door together. “It won’t get there on the first try so we’ve gotta keep trying.” Tyler says, determined to get in.  
-

  
Josh was almost out of his head.

  
All he needed was another drink and he was out for a while. Maybe even dead if he took two. But he had to get back up and go to his bedroom to retrieve what he needed.

  
Before he could do anything he hears a loud bang at the door. Not like a gunshot, but like someone was forcing their way in.

  
Dizzy, Josh gets back up on his hands and knees, turns around, and slowly crawls back to his room. He closes the door but doesn’t lock it.

  
Some part of him still wants to be saved.  
-

  
“And…go!” Jenna and Tyler hit the door and this time, it flies open, the hinges broken and splinters of wood falling out of the door frame.

  
Tyler looks at the scene around him and sees that Josh’s place is a wreck. Broken glass scattering the floor an empty bottle of vodka. It seems that some of it is spilled on the floor.

  
Tyler looks around, but doesn’t see Josh. He realizes that if Josh has been drinking far too much and for too long this could be his last night alive.

  
He runs to Josh’s bedroom and swings the door open.

  
Josh is on the ground, a bottle of some type of alcohol in his hand, passed out.

  
“Josh?” Tyler kneels down to him and gently shakes him.

  
Josh does not respond.

  
“Oh gosh. Oh gosh! Josh please!” Tyler panics! at Josh’s unresponsiveness.

  
Jenna comes into the room and immediately sees Tyler kneeling over Josh and shaking him. “Oh no! Josh!”

  
She goes down to the ground too. Josh looks sick. His skin is paler than normal, his face is streaked with tears.

  
“Is he breathing?” Jenna asks.

  
“I-I don’t know.” Tyler puts his ear close to Josh’s lips. A faint breath hits the side of Tyler’s face and that makes Tyler feel slightly less terrified. “Yes, but barely! Call 91-“

  
Sirens. They can hear them coming.

  
Jenna fills with fear at the sound of them. She tries her best to keep her cool on the outside.Tyler looks at her and grabs her hand, “It’ll be okay.” She nods, not really believing that they will.

  
In a quick moment of panic, Tyler grabs Josh, picks him up, and starts to walk out of the bedroom.

  
Jenna stays behind for a second and observes the scene. Broken glass, Josh’s phone is shattered on the ground. She counts 1, 2, 3 empty bottles of alcohol in his room. The room smells strongly of liquor and the whole place seems like a party just ended here.

  
Jenna shudders at all the alcohol in Josh’s room and tries to think of what may have possibly triggered this. She runs out of the room and catches up with Tyler who is now standing on the front porch.

  
“Freeze! Put the body down and put your hands in the air!” A man calls out to Tyler. He complies.  
Jenna comes out to the porch too and does the same.

  
“Officer my friend needs a hospital, please! He was trying to drink himself to death.” Tyler calls, voice shaking.

  
“Sure he was.” The police man walks towards them and takes a look at their friend. His partner stays behind, watching the group closely. He notices how awful the man looks. He leans down and catches a whiff of the pink haired man’s breath. It smells heavily of alcohol.

  
He mumbles something into the walkie talkie on his shoulder and looks at Tyler and Jenna. “Why didn’t you just call the ambulance?”

  
“Sir, the ambulance wouldn’t be able to make it in time to stop him from taking the last sip he took. I couldn’t stop him. But I knew that I needed to attend to my friend and get to him and help him as best as I could. Even though that wasn’t enough. The paramedics may not have even taken a call like this seriously so I had to act accordingly.” Tyler won’t take any mess from anyone. He was there, he knew about Josh’s problem and he had to act.

  
The police officer sighs and looks at the both of them. “Put your hands down.”

  
They do what he says.

  
“Okay. I’m going to let you go. But if this happens again, call an ambulance first.” The officer says sternly. They nod at his command.

  
More sirens head their way.  
-

  
The ambulance comes and takes Josh away. They follow close behind it by car. Occasionally speeding past the limit to catch up to it. The police officer escorts them there.

  
“Josh will be fine.” Tyler whispers to himself.

  
“Josh will be fine.” Jenna whispers to herself.

  
Josh will be fine?  
-

  
“Mr. Joseph, you can’t go in right now. They’re trying to help him. Please go sit down and we’ll notify you when Josh is able to have visitors.” A nurse keeps telling him. He doesn’t believe that they can’t let him in. Surely there’s a way for him to see his best friend. Surely.

  
“Tyler…” Jenna pulls him back with her. The nurse walks off with Tyler’s only real chance of getting to see his friend.

  
“Jenna. What if…what if he dies?” His voice cracks on the word dies and he begins to cry. Josh meant the world to him and he didn’t want to lose him.

  
“We can only hope and pray that he doesn’t.” Tears start to stream out of Jenna’s eyes and she sniffs.  
This can’t end here.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look...I have too much time on my hands woops
> 
> Oh and btw, the flashbacks are in italics, but the voice thing in Josh's head is too, but that'll be important later...

Josh’s parents practically run into the E.R.

“Is Joshua Dun here?” His mother, Laura, asks frantically.

“Yes ma’am, but he can’t take visitors right now. I apologize.” The nurse at the front desk has sympathy in her eyes. That’s her job now. To be sympathetic to people and their families.

“Oh gosh! My son!” She breaks down into her husband’s arms and he takes her over to the waiting room.

He spots Tyler and Jenna and goes over to them.

“Hi Bill. Hi Laura.” Jenna says. She feels sympathy for them both. It must be tough to have to deal with this again.

“Hi Jenna, sorry, I’m a mess. Thank you for calling us.” Laura apologizes. Bill nods his head, saddened by the fact that his son went back to his old ways.

“I-I don’t know what could’ve happened…he-he was doing so well.” Laura puts her head in her hands and sobs.

“I don’t know either.” Tyler responds. They sit in silence, the only sound coming from the T.V. in the room.

Jenna’s phone rings and she takes the call. She walks out of the waiting room to be polite.

“Hello?”

“Jenna? Hey. Is everything alright? Is Josh okay?” Ashley asks over the phone.

“Um…no, not at all. He Started up drinking again. He almost drank himself to death. Do you know why? He said something about you and I wanted to know if everything was alright with you and him.”

Ashley sighs. She has to reveal the truth to Jenna and Tyler and Josh’s whole family now. This was her fault. She owes this to them at least. “No, everything isn’t alright.”

“What’s wrong?” Jenna asks concerned over the hesitant tone of voice Ashley is using.

“I…I broke up with him tonight and…and I told him that…that I had been…seeing someone else when we were together.” Ashley feels ashamed, admitting this to anyone. She feels guilt but she also feels relief.

“Ashley what the crap! How-how could you?” Jenna is shocked and angry and just…stunned that Ashley would ever do this to him.

“I-I know it’s wrong I know. I just…”

“You just what Ashley? Josh loved you! He never stopped talking about you. He was gonna propose to you on Saturday! How could you! I don’t even want to tell anyone else this because I feel like they’d go off on you. You have to fix this, with them, his family. I-I don’t even want to talk to you right now.”

“Jenna wait-“ Jenna ends the call. She doesn’t want to hear Ashley’s voice anymore. How could she just take advantage of someone like that?

Jenna takes a deep breath in and tries her best to calm down.

-

Bright.

Is he dead?

Muffled voices calling around him.

But he’s not here.

He’s gone.

-

_Josh look what you’ve done._

_You’re a mess._

_You cry over every girl._

_You drink like it’s your last._

_For what?_

What?

I’m not worth living anymore.

They’ll look at me like the addict that I am.

I’m disgusting.

_What are you gonna do about it?_

Nothing.

-

There’s so many people.

His head hurts like crazy and he feels so dirty.

So, so dirty

-

Sick. He feels sick. He’s gonna throw up now.

He leans over the side of wherever he is, but someone hands him something and he throws up into that instead.

It’s nonstop sickness. All the consequences from his drinking spree all pouring out into one thing, all at once.

It won’t stop.

His relief is now his pain.

-

He lays back down, breathing heavy, still dizzy, eyes still closed.

_How did this happen Joshua? Why did this happen?_

Her. It was her.

_Was it really her?_

_Or was it you?_

-

_“If you could go back in time, only in your life, what would you change?” Ashley smiles at him._

_“Um…nothing really. I like how life turned out for me. I’m with the best girl I’ve ever known and I have the best bandmate I could ever have. Plus, he’s my best friend. My life is great.”_

_-_

Sick. He reaches for something, anything.

Again, the person hands him something, he throws up, the pain in his stomach matching the pain in his heart.

“Oh gosh…” He takes a breath and opens his eyes. He throws up some more.

“Oh gosh…Ashley…” He cries again. All he can do is cry now.

No drinks.

Just tears.

-

_“I’m gonna marry you someday.” Josh takes her hand in his. Ashley is his love, his light._

_She smiles in response and looks out into the distance._

_“I love you.” She tells him._

_“I love you, too.”_

_They kiss, short and sweet._

_-_

His eyes are open now and he can see where he is. He’s in a hospital bed. In the E.R. There’s a nurse sitting beside his bed, watching over him. She smiles at him as his eyes adjust to the light.

The light hurts his head. A lot.

“Hi Josh. My name is Catherine. How are you? Are you feeling okay?” Catherine asks politely even though it is evident that Josh clearly is not okay in any sense.

“I feel like crap.”

“I understand.” She knows the feeling. “Well you are very lucky sir. You had an alcohol content level of 3.9. If you would’ve drank one more sip of anything, you might not be alive right now.”

Josh ponders for a moment. How did he manage to skirt around death like that? He could’ve died tonight.

“Sure, luck’s the word.” Honestly, he feels ashamed. Now everyone will know about his problem.

He feels like it would have been better if he were dead right now.

-

“Family of Joshua Dun?” A doctor calls. Everyone jumps up and scurries over to her.

“Okay, Josh is stable for now. He had an alcohol content level of 3.9 and he was one sip away from either being dead or in a coma. He is very lucky to survive this type of alcohol abuse.”

The way she said abuse makes Tyler shutter. The word makes this a reality for him.

Josh could have died.

“Follow me and I’ll take you to him.” The doctor gestures for the bunch to follow and they do so.

They follow the doctor down a hallway filled with rooms of suffering people. Jenna gets an uneasy feeling being here but she pushes it down.

They stop at a door and the doctor turns to them. “So Josh is stable for now but we don’t know what will happen with him. He got dangerously close and we don’t know how badly that affected him. Please be cautious around him. He may still be a little…out of it, let’s say.” The doctor warns. They nod and file into the room.

Josh is laying on the bed looking up at the ceiling, feeling awful inside and out.

“Josh, honey.” Laura runs over to him and hugs him.

Josh feels terrible for doing this to his parents and to Tyler and Jenna. His mom looks so worried, worse than the last time this happened.

“Mom, I’m sorry I just…” He just begins crying with his mom. He was hurt and he hurt himself. But he also hurt his family.

“Honey, it’s okay, you’re alive and that’s all that matters to me.” She lets go of him and looks him in the eyes. She cries even more seeing the look of embarrassment in his eyes.

“Why did you go back?” Tyler asks, regretting it once it fell out of his mouth.

Jenna goes pale and looks at Josh. He looks at Tyler and at his parents and begins sobbing and shaking his head.

“I’m not worth it. Ashley she-“ Someone knocks on the door.

That uneasy feeling comes back to Jenna, but this time it’s worse.

“Come in.” Josh says weakly.

Behold, Ashley walks in.

-

When he sees her, he freezes. The familiar face. The same eyes that used to stare in adoration at him. He loves her. He used to.

“Josh…” She says. Just her saying his name makes him angry.

Why did she want to torture him like that?

Jenna clenches her fists and glares at Ashley. Why is she here?

“Josh why? Why did you go back?”

“BECAUSE OF YOU! I loved you! Why would you do th-“ Josh pauses abruptly. He begins to shake and his vision goes blurry.

“Josh?” His mother looks at him, alarmed.

“He’s having a seizure!” Tyler yells. His mother, sobbing, hits the ‘call nurse’ button on the remote beside the bed. She steps back from her son.

Within seconds, a few nurses rush into the room and crowd around Josh.

“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask if you all could leave the room.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so I don't know what's happening


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a new 'character' and he's in bold instead of italics...

_What’re you doing Joshua?_

Am I dying?

_No, but you’re having a seizure and you might die._

_Did you see their faces? Your mom’s, your dad’s, Tyler’s, Jenna’s…_

_Why Joshua?_

_You know this is the final straw…_

_I’m the last piece of good sense you have,_

_So don’t push me away…_

I saw Ashley…

_Forget about her._

_Every time you think about her, you’ll just get worse_

_And I don’t even know how that could be possible…_

**No.**

**Remember her.**

**If you drink more, you’ll feel better.**

**You’ll be too out of it to care what people think.**

Didn’t you just tell me to-

**We aren’t the same, see, I’m that other thing that’s taking over your mind. Anxiety is what they call me. Fear, depression. Me.**

_You can get rid of that Joshua. Please._

**Josh, honey, I’m everywhere.**

_I am too._

**I am bigger than you. More powerful. Even if I don’t get you now, I’ll come back later. Stronger, better. Trust me.**

_Joshua, I’m always here. All you have to do is listen to me…_

How will I know who to listen for?

_You’ll know by the outcome of your choices Joshua._

-

Josh just found his blurryface.

But who’s the good one?

-

Didn’t you tell me to drink earlier?

**Yeah. Didn’t you?**

_Yes Josh, I did._

But I thought you were my good sense.

_I am. But I hurt too. I was indecisive about whether I should be good or bad. I’m good._

_And so are you._

_You’re gonna get out of your head in a moment and you have to decide what you’re gonna do._

_Make the right choices Joshua._

-

“Ashley, what happened in there?” Josh’s mom stares up at her, pain following the tears running down her face.

Laura was like her mother. She always loved on people. She figured that’s where josh got his overwhelming kindness from. She didn’t want to see her cry, especially since it was her fault that Josh was like this now.

Jenna glares at Ashley and she looks down at her feet in embarrassment.

“I…I cheated.” She had to tell the whole truth, “and then I broke up with him…I’m sorry. I still love him and-and I never meant for him to get hurt.”

Laura stares at her in disbelief. Why would she do such a thing? And why would she show up again?

“Go.” Is all Laura can say right now. Ashley broke her son’s heart. She does not want to look at her again.

Out of understanding, Ashley nods and walks away, tears dropping to the floor behind her.

She shouldn’t have let him go.

-

“How could she do that to Josh? How could you do that to anyone?” Tyler mumbles something angrily under his breath while pacing around the waiting room. A little boy and his mother watch Tyler rant to Jenna and Josh’s parents.

“I don’t know, but I’m ticked off that she came back. Especially after this.” Jenna contributed to Tyler’s rage.

This girl broke Josh’s heart and she had the audacity to show her face around him. Tyler trusted her. They all trusted her. Josh especially put all his trust in Ashley. And she just gave that up.

Tyler’s heart and head hurts. He sits down beside Jenna and crosses his arms and legs.

“I need Josh to be okay.”

-

“Josh? Josh can you hear me?” Someone calls to him.

He nods slightly, all of the feelings and consequences from his night coming back to him in one big blow.

He groans in pain and opens his eyes.

A doctor and two nurses are standing by his side.

He shrinks at the sight of them, feeling embarrassed for the things that he did. Feeling anxious because of their stares.

Are they judging me?

**Yes.**

_No._

“How are you feeling on a scale of 1 to 10?”

“ugh.”

“10? I’d say?” the doctor questions.

Josh nods.

**They’re probably thinking about how stupid you are.**

_No, they aren’t. They’re professionals. And besides, everyone slips up now and then._

**This wasn’t just a slip up though.**

_It was a mistake. That’s what it was. You’ll learn from this Joshua. Trust me._

**“** Okay Josh, Angelina and Jonas will be monitoring you throughout the night. We’re going to keep you here to monitor your condition and see if any more seizures occur. We recommend, mind you this is a recommendation, that you go to a psychiatrist after this. It’s standard procedure that I ask for your consent to sign you up for at least one session, but you aren’t obligated to go.”

Should I go?

_Yes!_

**No way!**

**You don’t need another person to judge you.**

_It’s a psychiatrist for Pete sake! They’re here to help you! At least think about it._

**Or you could just go home and deal with it the usual way…**

“I’ll think about it.” Josh says quietly, still trying to get away from all the attention.

6 eyes are watching.

Waiting for him to fail.

-

“So…what do you do for a living?” Jonas asks politely as he checks all of the things hooked up to Josh’s body.

They had moved him to an actual hospital room a few minutes prior to the question being asked.

“I-I’m in a band. twenty one pilots. I’m the drummer.”

“Oh! My brother loves that band. He always tries to get me to listen to it, but…I guess I’m not into the whole band scene or whatever. I just don’t really get it. He’s not emo or whatever he just…his mind is real weird nowadays and I’m beginning to think that it’s always been that way…” Jonas looks at Josh, “Sorry I just…nevermind.”

Josh smiles at him. It feels good to have a type of human reaction that won’t stress him out.

“No, I understand.”

“Do you guys have some sort of, like, message or something?”

Josh thinks about this question carefully, wishing that Tyler was here to explain because he usually wasn’t the one to talk.

“Well, we try to tell people to stay alive and that their lives are worth living, because some people don’t think that they are. My buddy Tyler, the lead singer of our band, writes everything based off of how he feels and it’s out there as a message to tell people that they aren’t alone. We want people to be alive and live with music and share it with us. It’s just…so important and nobody is really taking much account of it nowadays.”

Jonas nods his head and smiles slightly. He begins to say something but stops himself. He wants to ask so badly but he knows he shouldn’t.

“Hey Josh, not to be rude or anything but…if you want other people to stay alive, then why won’t you?” He regrets saying that, but it was the only thought on his mind.

Josh doesn’t respond. Jonas was right. He had been a hypocrite.

-

_He’s right you know._

Yeah.

_You can’t just ignore the rules you put out. You have to follow them too._

**Rules can be broken.**

_But they shouldn’t be._

-

“So…is it alright if Josh stays with Jenna and I for a while?” Tyler doesn’t want Josh to be alone at his place anymore, since it could risk him drinking again.

“O-okay. Yes. I think that would be good for him.” Laura wanted her son to stay with her for a while, but she knew it would be better if he was in the company of friends.

Along with the news of Josh’s transfer to a proper room, the group had moved to the waiting room on Josh’s floor. The nurse insisted that they go home and get some rest, but everyone was determined to see josh out.

 

Jenna is asleep and Josh’s parents had drifted along as well. Tyler’s head is too full to be able to have that type of peace.

He’s remembering how…dead…Josh looked. His skin looked sick and he knew he had been crying his eyes out all night. He felt so cold and lifeless.

Josh doesn’t deserve to hurt like this. Not him. Especially since he’s done so much good.

“How can someone hurt so much…” Tyler whispers to himself.

“How are we allowed to hurt so much?” he says again.

-

Josh can’t sleep.

Maybe it’s the overwhelming feeling of sickness in his stomach or the migraine raging in his head.

His eyes won’t shut long enough for him to drift off, and his anxiety is increasing by the minute.

His chest hurts. His heart hurts. His brain hurts.

**Nobody’s watching.**

So?

**Maybe you could sneak out, finally finish this.**

_Or you could stay here and get better for the people that love you._

_Josh, listen, there are people out there who love you. Not Just your parents but Tyler and Jenna. Brendon. The crew. The clique._

**Debby.**

Her name.

Debby’s.

They had dated before Ashley came into the picture. He loved her and she loved him just the same. But distance got in the way. They almost never got to see each other because they were both on tour. They had decided to stay friends even though neither of them wanted that.

Then Ashley came along and he was okay.

Until now.

**Wouldn’t it be fun to get back together with her?**

**Then she’d break up with you just seeing how pitiful you are.**

**Then you’d do this again and be the biggest screw up in the family again.**

**For the third time.**

_Don’t listen to that. You aren’t a screw up and you should just lay low for a while._

_You aren’t required to date anyone._

_You are a strong individual who can get through this._

**Or you’re a little depressed anxious coward who can’t get anything right.**

_The only coward in here is you!_

**Oh please. I have more balls to tell Josh that he isn’t worth it than you do.**

_I don’t tell him that because I don’t believe it._

All of the conflict in his head makes Josh nervous and sick.

He throws up into the bedpan beside his bed, hoping to get rid of it.

-

“Jonas?” Josh stirs in his bed. He feels very uncomfortable. He just wants to be in his bed, at his house.

“Yes?” Jonas stands up quickly and walks over to Josh’s bedside. He was on break, but something about being around Josh made him feel good. Josh had this sort of unspoken kindness about him that Jonas liked.

“I-Is it okay if I can see my family now?” Josh fiddles with his fingers and shifts his gaze from Jonas to the door of the room.

“Um…yeesh…I’ll tell you what. I’ll go and ask if you can have visitors now and even if you can’t…I’ll see what I can do.” Jonas favored Josh enough to be able to risk his job.

“Thank you…” Josh whispers out to Jonas as he closes the door behind him.

-

“Josh?”

_It’s Tyler!_

“H-hi.” Josh stutters for some unknown reason. He always felt comfortable around Tyler but right now he just felt…vulnerable.

“How are you doing? Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Tyler just wants his best friend to feel okay.

“I-“ Tears well up in his eyes and he blinks to try and force them back, but his tears always find a way to escape.

“Hey, hey it’s alright, shh, I’m here.” Tyler goes over by Josh’s side and hugs him. His friend’s warm body radiating heat through his black sweatshirt.

“I-I’m so sorry. I just-I couldn’t believe she would-I didn’t know how to-I can’t do this alone Tyler.” Josh cries into his best friend’s shoulder, feeling utterly embarrassed about crying in front of his friend and feeling selfish for burdening everyone with his mistakes.

_Calm down Joshua, it’s okay._

“Don’t apologize. You are going to get better and you are going to get past this once and for all. You’re gonna stay with Jenna and I for a while just so you can have some company,” he lied about that part, “and you are going to get better, you hear me?” Tyler is holding Josh’s shoulders and looking deeply into the pink haired man’s eyes.

Josh nods and sniffs in response to Tyler’s statement.

_You can do this Joshua._

_-_

Josh gets discharged from the hospital two days later, after one of the worst hangovers he’s ever had. Tyler and Jenna take him to their place, his parents going over to his house to pick up some things for him and clean up.

Tyler leads an exhausted Josh to the spare bedroom of his house.

“This is your room. There’s some space in those drawers over there to put your clothes. You know where everything is and you’re welcome to whatever.” Tyler smiles at his friend who has taken a seat on the bed. Josh runs his hand over the comforter.

He nods his head, too tired to talk right now.

“Jenna and I are going to go back to your place with your parents to go and get some of your stuff. Will you be okay staying here by yourself?” Tyler didn’t tell Josh that they were actually going to clean up his place because he didn’t want Josh to feel like he had to go and help.

“Yeah. I’ll just…take a nap or something.” Josh shrugs, laying back onto the bed. He already feels himself drifting into unconsciousness.

Tyler nods and walks out of Josh’s room.

-

_Joshua._

_Josh turns around towards the direction of the voice to reveal that he’s in his room. Back in his room._

_Ashley is sitting on his bed. Staring straight through him._

_Joshua._

_Her hand stretches towards him and covers his neck. She pulls him to her and puts her other hand around his neck._

_The room goes completely dark asides from Ashley’s eyes which are glowing white._

_Her grip on his neck grows tighter as the room gets hotter. Ashley’s gaze brightens._

_Josh tries to speak and tell her to stop, but words do not escape his mouth._

_Josh struggles to breath, more eyes appear and stare through him, judging him, chanting his name._

_Joshua._

_Joshua._

_Joshua!_

_Ashley is choking him. Choking the life out of him, choking the love out of him._

_He cries out in a whisper that can’t be heard._

_JOSH!_

He wakes up in a sweat, heart beating faster than it should be allowed to.

He panics, frantically looking around the room, holding his neck. Nobody’s there. He notices, however, that some of his things are in his room.

Josh takes a deep breath out, releasing the fear from his nightmare with it and stretches.

The slight orange ray of sunshine emerging from the window indicates that it’s more or likely late in the afternoon. Josh looks over at the nightstand beside the bed. He realizes that he doesn’t have his phone anymore.

“Crap.” Still tired, Josh throws his legs over the side of the bed and carefully gets up. He walks over to the door, opening it and peers outside.

The noise of the tv and sounds from the kitchen tell him that someone is downstairs.

He takes himself slowly down the stairs and walks over to the kitchen to see Jenna putting away some pots and Tyler sitting on the couch watching tv.

“Hey buddy. How was your sleep?” Tyler asks, smiling up at Josh who is now standing by the couch.

Josh just shrugs and looks down, thinking about the nightmare he had, shivering at the memory.

“Hey Josh, I’m gonna order some pizza later. What type do you want?” Jenna calls from the kitchen.

“Cheese.” Josh places himself beside Tyler on the couch. Tyler half smiles at him and nods his head. Josh can see a hint of sadness in Tyler’s gaze and it makes him feel guilty about this whole situation. About the fact that his friends practically have to babysit him since he can’t stay by himself without screwing up.

**See. You get it. You are stupid and you can’t do anything right. I don’t even know why you haven’t finished yourself off already.**

_Stop saying those things. Stop thinking those things. You can do things the right way because you’re still alive, aren’t you?_

**Bull.**

_Not at all._

“Josh?” Tyler notices Josh’s blank stare and empty look and gets concerned.

“Hm?”

“I-if you want to talk I’m always here for you.”

-

“Do you still want to continue with the tour?” Tyler asks, taking a sip of his redbull and looking at Josh.

“Yeah. Don’t even worry about me. I’m fine, I’m better. That was a month ago.” Josh had been trying his best to push the incident away. He occasionally looked at Ashley’s Instagram and twitter just to see if she was okay.

He got a brand new iphone, starting his contacts over. Ashley was no longer among the many contacts in his phone.

He felt conflicted between putting her number in his phone. It would be torture for him to keep it there, scrolling past it and remembering the long phone conversations they had together and remembering the stupid jokes they’d tell each other before they went to sleep. But he’d also have to feel the pain of not seeing her number and feeling like a bad person for not putting her number in his phone. And feeling the emptiness that goes along with practically not having her in his life, asides from social media and the memories he had of her.

He had Debby’s number still. He had recently been texting her and hanging out with her. She was much different than Ashley. She didn’t worry when Josh said he was busy. Sometimes she just called to say hi and to ask if he was okay. Debby is genuine and sweet and Josh wishes that they never broke up.

“Josh.” Mark taps his shoulder. He had been in his head for a good 2 minutes while Mark was calling him.

“Hm? Sorry…” He has been doing that a lot lately.

“I was just wondering what you think about going out into the crowd for trees.”

“Oh…um…”

During their shows, Tyler and Josh would go into the crowd while performing the song ‘Trees’. It was an iconic thing in their shows. Without it, it wouldn’t be the same. But Tyler and Josh were feeling less and less safe in the pit nowadays. They had almost been dropped multiple times because people were on their phones. Touched in places that shouldn’t be touched by strangers. Grabbed at. One time Josh fell into the crowd and everyone just touched him, almost giving him an anxiety attack.

Josh didn’t want to lose that connection with the clique, but he was worried about him and Tyler’s safety.

“I think that we should keep doing it, but if something super bad happens, we should stop. I don’t want to take that away from everyone, but if things go bad, they shouldn’t stay the way they are.”

“I agree man. Completely.” Mark responds, sitting back into Tyler’s couch.

Josh has still been staying in Tyler and Jenna’s house for the past month. They had told him it was okay for him to stay and that they would rather him be around someone and sober than away from someone and drunk out of his mind. This time they were honest.

“Huh.” Tyler nods his head, looking at a spot on the carpet, his eyes fixated on something that wasn’t there but seemed to be fascinating to his brain nonetheless.

“It’s settled then.” Mark spouts out, smacking his hands together.

They sit in silence for a while, watching the tv.

-

**Josh, you know you can’t go up there. They all want you dead.**

_No they don’t Josh. You and I both know that isn’t true._

**Drink Josh.**

_Don’t._

**You bought that drink for a reason.**

_You hid it for a reason. That means you need help Joshua._

**They would have basically taken your happiness away if they saw it. That’s why you hid it.**

_Joshua, you know this isn’t the w-_

**Do it Josh.**

**Do it.**

**DRINK.**

**DRINK.**

**DRINK!**

Josh goes over to a bag that he packed and takes a jacket with a bottle tucked inside.

He goes to the bathroom and locks the door behind him, slipping the bottle of alcohol out of the jacket.

He’s doing this to calm his nerves, to calm the raging voice in his head.

Just a sip.

Just a few sips to make him feel better.

-

“Where’s Josh? We’re about to go on.” Tyler is checking frantically around the back of the stage.

He spots Josh’s jacket lying in the doorway of his dressing room, but he doesn’t spot Josh. He runs into Josh’s dressing room and Josh isn’t in there.

Josh stumbles out of the bathroom, partially disoriented. He sees Tyler in his room and tries to creep past him. Tyler turns around to see Josh speeding past the door clumsily and he runs after him.

“Josh where were you man?” Tyler asks catching up to Josh.

**He will smell it on your breath. Don’t face him.**

“Bathroom.” Josh avoids Tyler as best as he can. He doesn’t want him to know.

”Hey,” Tyler grabs Josh’s shoulder. Josh pushes his hand away from him.

”I’m fine.” He snaps. Josh runs onto the stage near his drums almost tripping every few steps.

**This is gonna be a fun night.**

-

Josh feels extremely dizzy at the moment. His vision is starting to blur a little bit and it’s hard for him to concentrate on the drums.

He feels out of control. Out of his head again. Out of touch with everyone.

The song Holding onto you is ending and Josh feels himself slipping from consciousness. The light of phone cameras from the crowd are quickly dimming.

Josh falls face first into his snare drum making a loud booming noise. He falls off of his seat and onto the platform in which his drum stands on.

Tyler looks over to Josh’s stand, smiling, but wondering what the noise was. His smile drops when he sees Josh laying awkwardly across the platform.

“Josh?” Tyler runs over to his best friend, thinking that maybe he was pranking him.

Tyler had said previously in interviews that the best concert he would perform at would be one where Josh passes out. That would be cool now if he didn’t know Josh’s past and the possibility of him being drunk out of his mind.

Tyler shakes his best friend’s bare shoulder gently, “Josh?” He slowly opens his eyes and smiles up at Tyler.

“Wassap!” Josh says, slurring his words. Tyler knew that Josh was out of it from the moment he snapped at him. Josh was going deeper and deeper into his problem and Tyler doesn’t know how to stop it.

“Josh…I’m gonna take you backstage and get you sober.” Tyler guides a drunken Josh to the back of the stage and sets him down on the couch in his dressing room. He runs out to the stage and grabs the mic.

“Hey guys. Josh just passed out and he’s feeling a little dizzy at the moment, so we’re trying to see if he’s okay.” Tyler says, nervously laughing. “Sorry for the delay.”

He sprints back to his dressing room and sees Josh slumped over the side of the couch, breathing heavily, shaking slightly.

“Oh Josh…” Tyler walks cautiously towards Josh who is now sitting up, looking tiredly at his best friend who is staring worriedly back at him. “You drank…didn’t you?”

Tyler is trying to hide his disappointment from Josh, but he feels that it’s too apparent to try and fake it not being there.

Josh nods slowly, looking down at his feet and then back up at Tyler. Tyler sighs slightly and goes over to the counter in the room to get Josh some water. He hands it to Josh who graciously takes it from him and drinks it down instantly. The cold water soothes Josh’s burning throat.

“I can call this off if you need me to. Hopefully they’ll understand.” Tyler lets his disappointment go, he doesn’t want to make the pink haired boy upset, but he doesn’t want to flake out on the people who support them.

_Don’t let him call it off. You are gonna go up there and you are gonna own it! No drinks, just water._

“No…I-I’m good. Let’s go.” Josh stands up carefully, trying to prove to Tyler that he’s stable enough to go and perform the rest of the show. Tyler walks behind his friend, eyeing him every time he stumbles slightly.

They get onto the stage and into their positions.

“Give it up for my friend DJ Spooky Jim over there.” Tyler says through the microphone.

**Better not screw this up Josh.**

**-**

Josh gets helped into the crowd and onto the drum platform. He stabilizes himself and looks at Tyler. His friend catches his eyes and he smiles at him, reassuringly. Josh feels a slight level up of confidence.

The drum section begins in trees. Water splashes everywhere. People are screaming and yelling. Josh felt like something was about to go wrong. He begins to lose his balance and he begins to fall backwards. Girls are screaming in his ears and he falls into them.

They don’t help him up. They just scream and touch him. Hands flying all over him. On his chest. On his shoulders. On places he’d rather not mention. He feels like he’s still falling, his anxiety creeping up around him and flaring within him. He wants to scream.

He’s so shocked that he doesn’t move for at least a minute.

Someone takes his hat.

Another yanks his hair.

**Don’t let them touch you like that Josh.**

He gets a sudden surge of rage mixed with adrenaline that helps him stand up, pushing away all the hands touching him, violating him.

**They don’t help. They never will.**

“Leave me alone!” Josh breaks, screaming at the people around him, shoving past them and getting over the barrier with the help of the security guard.

Once away from the hoard of people, Josh runs backstage again, going as far away and as fast as he can go. Tears fall out of his face. Guilt and anger seeping out of his eyes with them. He didn’t want to hurt anyone or hit anyone, he just got so irritated. All they want to do is to touch him. He feels like a horrible person for screaming at them.

_Joshua, honey, it’s alright. Calm down._

“I hate myself. Why? Why do I have to be so selfish? They’re the ones supporting us and I shouldn’t’ve yelled at them.” Josh hits his head with his hand, tears hitting the floor as he paces around the hallway.

_Joshua, it’s okay. You acted on instinct. As long as you apologize and don’t do it again, everything will work out._

“Josh? Where are you?” Tyler calls out to him, looking in the dressing rooms. No Josh in there.

Josh hides from Tyler, not wanting his friend to see him cry and see how much of a disgrace he is.

He finds a corner and shrinks down into it, trying to calm his breathing even though that’s getting harder since his anxiety is growing stronger.

**They probably hate you now. Even Tyler. He’s probably going to kick you out of the band now.**

His breathing intensifies, heart beat quickens, vision blurs. His head feels like it’s underwater. His heart feels like it’s about to fly out of his chest.

He curls up in the corner, knees against his chest, head resting on his knees.

_Calm down Joshua._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this time Josh has a voice in bold and italics, just to clear that up.  
> I really hope this is going well...

Tyler stops in the hallway, hearing something coming from the end of it, hoping that it’s Josh.

He holds his breath, listening closely for any sign of his lost friend.

He hears slight breathing down the hallway and begins running towards it. He turns to see Josh in a fetal position on the floor in the corner next to the back-exit door. He kneels down slowly, sympathy spread across his features as he puts his hand on the man’s shoulder.

Josh flinches and sobs loudly. “No! I’m sorry…I’m sorry…”

“Josh…it’s okay…just breath alright? It’s okay.” He sits down next to the crying pink haired man, wishing that Josh didn’t have to go back. That he could just be free from this problem once and for all. That he could be happy again instead of drunk.

“I’m sorry…”

-

Josh spends the next few days locked in his room, not eating, barely sleeping. Tyler would stop by his door some nights and hear sobbing. It would go on for a while too. He knows his friend is slipping into depression, and fast too. The concert scene had officially triggered it.

_Josh get up._

What’s the point?

_You need to get up and going, interact with people._

I don’t think I really want to. It isn’t worth it.

**Yeah it isn’t. Just stay in here. Sleep. Your useless anyway. All you ever do is screw up. All you ever do is lash out.**

_*You’re_

**Shut up! That’s why you are going to stay here and finish this. You know how.**

_No Joshua! No!_

**Yes Josh.**

Just shut up okay! Leave me alone! I can’t stand you both nagging and yelling! I can’t take it!

He cries again. For no reason. But sometimes you just need to cry.

-

“Josh? Can I come in?” Tyler knocks on the door, holding a plate of food for Josh who hasn’t eaten in days.

“Josh?” Tyler tries the door and slowly opens it, hopeful when the door opens. His best friend is laying on the floor, shirtless, with the blinds closed against the afternoon sun, head in his hands. His head hurts from the lack of food and water. He deserves this.

“Josh…you need to eat.” Tyler says, kneeling to the ground beside Josh. He shakes his head slowly.

“I don’t deserve to.” Josh stays still on the floor, not moving to look at his desperate friend.

“Yes you do. Don’t try to starve yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. You got annoyed and that happens sometimes, but you can’t keep beating yourself up for this.” Tyler says sitting down on the floor next to his friend.

“Watch me.” Josh snaps.

“Well, I can’t and I won’t. I know what this feels like and I won’t let you go through it, too. And I refuse to watch my best friend kill himself. I can’t do that.” Tyler says in a matter of fact tone. His friend isn’t going to die on his watch. He won’t let him suffer. “Now eat something. Or drink something. Do both please… I want you to get better. Don’t ignore your needs.”

Josh turns his back to Tyler, rolling over and curling up into a ball. “Leave me alone please.”

“Josh…please just…eat…” Tyler can’t give up on his friend, not now.

He can see Josh slipping away, slowly, away from the world, into his head. He knows how it feels and he wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Depression is trying to take his friend away from him and he wants to fight it away, but he knows this isn’t his battle fight.

“I-I said leave Tyler. You can’t help me…No one can.” Is all Josh can say before he starts quietly crying again. His head is pounding from the extreme amount of fluid lost from him crying so much.

“I can’t…I can’t let you do this Josh…I’ll leave, but I’m coming back.” Tyler slowly rises from the floor, setting the plate of pancakes on the nightstand, quietly walking back out of Josh’s room.

_Why did you treat him like that Joshua? He was only trying to help you._

He can’t help me.

_Yes he can. They’re doing the best that they can. You just have to listen._

**And then what? He’ll listen for a while, then it’ll be good and then he’ll just screw it up again. We all know how you work Josh. There’s no fixing that.**

_Well, that isn’t true. You had a long run of 4 years. You worked hard and you were okay. You were happy. You can be happy again._

What is happy anyway? It never seems to work out anymore for me. It stays for a little bit and then everything crashes and burns. But I guess that’s my fault isn’t it?

_No._

**Yeah. It is your fault.**

_No, Joshua, it isn’t. Now eat something will ya? You’re killin’ me._

Fine.

-

_“Hey Ash.” Josh says to his girlfriend who is coming down the stairs, car keys in hand._

_“Oh! Josh, hey! I thought you were asleep.” Ashley stops at the bottom of the stairs, zipping up her jacket._

_“Yeah. Couldn’t sleep. Where ya’ going?” Josh asks, not meaning to be nosey, but just a little curious. It is 10:30 at night though._

_“Just to…remember that thing that I told you I was going to with my friends? That’s where I’m going.” Ashley shrugs, looking at the time on her phone._

_“Oh…okay.” Josh doesn’t recall her telling him anything of the sort, but he trusts her, and he loves her, so he won’t question anything. “You look nice.”_

_“Thanks. Bye.” She waves to him and heads out the door._

_-_

_“How was your night?” Josh asks Ashley who came in around 2:30 in the morning._

_“Uh…good.” She looks past him, avoiding eye contact._

_“Okay good.” Josh nods his head and looks at the mug he’s holding. He let his coffee go cold and he no longer has intent to drink any._

_They sit in awkward silence for a few minutes until Ashley’s phone rings. It’s sitting by Josh and he goes to pick it up._

_Ashley bolts up from her seat straight to her phone and snatches it from Josh’s hand, ending the ringing from the machine._

_“Who was that?” Josh asks, startled by Ashley’s sudden burst of energy._

_“Nobody.”_

_-_

For the first time in almost 2 weeks, Josh leaves his room, squinting from the bright daylight that’s only been slivers through his blinds. He wraps his hoodie tightly around him, carefully walking downstairs. The first level floor is vacant. No Tyler, no Jenna. The atmosphere of the entire house changed and now it feels empty, like Josh does.

The lack of company relieves Josh, since he feels like a disgrace while in the presence of others, but it also makes him feel abandoned. Like Tyler and Jenna just decided to give up on him, thinking it too much to try and coax a grown man back to a state he’d never reach.

Josh wanders around the house, feeling saddened by the emptiness of it. He considers going back into his warm, dark room when the door knob to the front door jiggles and Tyler walks in, laughing with Jenna following him. The thought of running up the stairs, back to his room to hide from his friends, quickly flashes through his mind, but he plants himself in the place he is standing.

“And then- oh! Josh! You’re out!” Tyler goes over and hugs his best friend. The pink haired man does not hug back, afraid that if he does, Tyler won’t want his hug.

Tyler lets go of his friend and smiles at him in sympathy. “Do you need anything?”

“Can I go to my house?” Is all Josh says. The memory of his small, one story house is slipping away as he spends more time at his friends’ place.

Jenna and Tyler swap worried glances from Josh’s question, both afraid that if he goes back, he’ll be set off again and he’ll relive the whole experience.

“Are you sure you want to go there right now?” Jenna questions cautiously.

“Yes.”

_-_

Tyler drives Josh down the street to his house which he abandoned the night of the drinking incident.

Tyler doesn’t say anything, but he wants to tell Josh that he thinks it would be better if he didn’t go back to his house, that they should turn around and forget about it, but he keeps his mouth shut. He’s only meant as the friend and the support system. It isn’t his place to tell Josh what not to do.

They arrive at Josh’s house, shortly after their departure from Tyler’s. Tyler turns off the car and looks at Josh who is staring straight ahead.

“I’m going in by myself.” Josh says, hand on the door handle, looking over at Tyler. A look of concern flashes across Tyler’s face.

“Are you sure? I’ll go with you if you-“

“Please just let me go. I can do this Tyler. I’m not a child anymore.” Josh opens the door and slams it behind him. He knows that everyone is trying to make sure that he doesn’t go back, but it’s…suffocating. The way they treat him like he’s five aggravates him to the point where he wants to scream.

He takes his house keys out of his pockets and he realizes that his hands are shaking by the slight jingle of the keys.

It’s a mental task, going back to a place he knows he has the risk of being triggered by. The place he was when this whole mess started up again. Where his heart broke for the final time.

He turns the key in the lock, not remembering when he put the key in, and he opens the door. The whole house smells slightly of alcohol. It’s been a month, but the drinks must’ve seeped into the carpets. The atmosphere of the place is cold and bitter, threatening even. He closes the door behind him, not locking it. The place seems…normal, but there’s an emptiness to it. He sets his keys down on the coffee table that sits in his living room.

He notices that all the pictures of him and Ashley are gone.

_It’s better that way._

I know.

He walks slowly towards his bedroom door, which is closed. The ominous mood of the house, plus the fact that behind that door is where everything went down, doesn’t ease his nerves. The closer he gets to the door, the stronger the smell of alcohol gets. It’s like the smell of a bar times 10.

Slowly, carefully, he opens the door and the memories from that night hit him again. The phone call, the bottles, his phone, the hospital, everything. He’s hesitant to even go any further in when just standing in the door frame makes him want to throw up.

He steps into the room, looking around at it. There’s a spot on the wall that looks like something leaked onto it. He remembers wasting some of a drink that he had. He remembers partially thinking that the wall was a person and forcing it to drink some of his drink.

His bed is made neatly, probably by his mom. He goes through a drawer, looking for his car keys. He stumbles across the last printed photo he has of Ashley.

They were driving around, enjoying each other’s company when they decided to stop at this hill and Josh took a picture of her. He promised that he’d always love her.

-

 

_“You look beautiful.” Josh comments, taking out his phone._

_“What are you doing?” Ashley laughs, looking at the horizon._

_“I am taking a picture of you. I can’t let this moment go.” Josh snaps one of her and she smiles._

_This moment in particular is beautiful. The way the evening sky is slowly making the city lights brighter and more vibrant. To Josh, the smile on Ashley’s face is brighter than any light behind her._

_Ashley poses for Josh, facing towards the city, back to him._

_“I got it. The perfect one. But they’re all perfect.” Josh says, sitting beside her. “I have to say something.”_

_Ashley looks at him, “Go ahead.”_

_“I have to promise that I’ll always love you. No matter what.”_

_“I love you Josh.” She puts her head on his shoulder._

_“I love you, too.”_

_-_

 

The sweet memory of that night turns bitter in Josh’s head. He knows that won’t happen again. Not with her. He knows that he won’t have nights where she’s over at his house and they fall asleep together on his couch. No more moments when he can look at her singing in the car and when they dance together.

No more.

“Sometimes promises need to be broken.” Josh says to himself, a few tears sliding down his face. He looks at the picture once more and rips it into pieces, leaving them on the floor.

-

 

Josh wakes up to his new phone buzzing with comments from twitter and Instagram. They’d been going off for at least an hour. He grabs his phone, and checks the time. It’s currently 8:15pm.

He slides one of the messages over and is brought to twitter.

_@cliquebait-Congrats father Josh_

What does that mean?

Josh sits up and squints at his phone.

He finds more messages directed towards him. Hundreds more.

He goes through a few more.

_@nophun4u-omg Josh! Congrats!_

_@Joshdunslefteyebrow-I can’t believe this_

_@Panickingcrybabyfalloutpilots-babies Josh! Congrats!_

_@Cloroxbleach-how could u betray me like this_

Confused, Josh makes his way to Ashley’s Instagram and goes to her most recent picture. It’s her sitting at the same spot her and Josh sat at the one night where he promised. The promise that he broke.

_volcanoesandash: It’s been a heck of a ride with you guys. I’m here to announce a special event that I’d like to share with you. I am thinking of the future with me and my family and my little children. Here’s to my first little child who’s on the way. I love you guys and I hope you’ll be along with me for the ride._

Josh’s breath catches in his throat. She’s having a baby. With the other guy. That was they’re dream. To get married and have kids and grow old together. To have a nice family and to love each other. What if she knew about this while they were together?

**_I need to get out of here._ **

_Josh, just think okay._

**_About what, exactly? I-I don’t have a purpose. I don’t deserve love._ **

_Joshua please don’t do what I think you’re doing._

Josh gets up, puts on a random shirt, grabs his sweatshirt and his keys, and walks out the door.

He had the type of love for her that would drive someone insane if it wasn’t returned. It was the type of love that made every inch of his heart burn when he was around her. He truly loved her.

He thought she did too.

-

 

Josh slips out the house unnoticed by Tyler or Jenna.

**Is tonight the night?**

**_I don’t know yet._ **


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, 2 chapters in one day. I hope I'm not being excessive about updates. I just need a life and then it'll be okay. There's a slight mention of sexual abuse here, but it's very vague.

The hill where they were that night is where he decides to go. He places the 24 pack and the other bottles that he got onto the grass.

He lays down, bottle in hand, looking at the stars.

**_God, why did you do this? What do you want to prove? Why am I here? This might be the last time I say these things from here, so I want to say that I’m sorry for being so worthless. I feel like I didn’t do a proper job and I feel like a waste of space. I hope that I’m with you after this, but I won’t truly know. Thank you for believing in me but, I can’t do this. 4.0 is my goal._ **

He begins chugging away.

-

“Jenna, he isn’t answering his phone.” Tyler says, looking at his phone worriedly.

Tyler noticed his best friend’s absence and got worried. He feels like he’s overreacting, but something is telling him that he needs to look for his friend.

“Maybe he’s just out with some friends? And he didn’t want to be disturbed by anyone? I don’t know.” Jenna looks at her phone, looking through Instagram.

For some reason, she’s still following Ashley’s account. Just to see if there’s anything alarming, she looks at Ashley’s recent post. She reads the caption and she understands why they can’t reach Josh.

“Tyler…” Her mouth goes dry as she shows her husband the post. “He probably saw it. We have to find him.” Jenna’s palms turn sweaty as her husband’s face turns pale.

He grabs his keys heads out the door with Jenna following him.

-

_“Hello?”_

_“Hi Ashley. I need to ask you a question.” Jenna’s desperate for answers._

_“Okay…what’s up?”_

_“Is there any significant place that you and Josh went? Like a secluded place?” She sighs, wishing she didn’t have to talk to Ashley._

_“Why? Is Josh okay? Is he drinking? Oh God, it’s my fault…” Ashley gasps._

_Jenna wants to say ‘of course it’s your fault. This whole debacle is your fault’, but she contains herself._

_“Yes, and he’s missing this time. Where would he go?” Jenna says, trying to get answers from Ashley._

_“There’s this hill that we used to go up to. It’s at the edge of the city. ‘William-Moore hill’ is the name I think.”_

_“Thanks.”_

_“Wait Jenna! I’m sorry for causing this…I never thought that any of this would have such a great impact on Josh. I-I never wanted to hurt him. My head wasn’t in the right place and I wasn’t thinking.”_

_“I know you weren’t, because people who think about things before they do them hurt people less. So you must’ve been out of your head for a long time. Hopefully you’ll come back and finally learn what you did. It’s been lovely, but I’m only doing this for Josh.” Jenna ends the call feeling satisfied with her remarks._

“Woah.” Tyler says. “Where do we go to.”

“William-Moore hill, at the edge of the city.” Jenna spews, getting out of the moment.

“Let’s hope he’s there.”

-

His head is spinning, he can’t move. The rush of the night above him makes it worse. It’s like the essence of time no longer exists and it’s just him, his bottles, and that hill. No surrounding sound will get him to move. And it’s strange because he feels like he’s at peace. Maybe this is what dying is like. Being out of his head and forgetting about everything; forgetting about Ashley, about expectations from the world, about his fears, even about his anxiety. It’s gone. All gone. No recollection of how many times he’s sipped a drink tonight, or how many times he’s contemplated going back to Tyler’s place and giving up.

He can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if he never met Ashley. Would he be out right now, laughing with his friends and being happy? Would his life be better?

He looks up at the stars trying to see what he can connect, when he sees someone coming towards him from the corner of his eye. He doesn’t care enough to look.

They sit down beside him and sigh. “Joshua.”

He stops breathing for a moment. His heart skips a beat, but in the wrong way.

“Josh, are you okay?”

He closes his eyes which forces a tear to fall out. He’s not mentally ready to talk to her again.

“Josh please listen to me…” He can hear her voice turn sad. “Please stop doing this. Please stop drinking. I never thought this would happen and if I could go back, I wouldn’t do what I did.”

He opens his eyes and grabs for a bottle on the other side of him. He successfully pulls one towards him and opens it. Before he can put it to his mouth, Ashley puts her hand on his. He snatches his hand away from her, spilling most of the drink into the grass.

“Josh…I never should have done this. Any of this. I…” He hears her sniffing back tears, but avoids looking at her. “You were so good to me…I took advantage of your kindness and your love and…you deserve so much better.”

Josh breathes slowly in, and exhales jagged breaths.

“He…he never treats me as good. And I’m pretty sure he’s cheating on me, which is what I deserve. And this baby…” He flinches at the word baby, remembering the reason he’s here. “I never asked for this. He just came in and…” She cries. He feels a few of her tears fall onto his arm.

“oh.” Is all he manages to say before he bursts into tears. He feels all the anger and heartbreak in his chest swell up.

“I always thought we would be forever. I-I k-knew I wanted to be with you forever. What did I do? What did I say that made you leave? Th-at m-made you go away ev-very night with him? I th-thought it would last forever, but I guess I nev-ver g-got it right. I was never good enough. I LOVEd You! Did you know that? DO YOU KNOW WHAt Love is? I forgot what it’s like. You just left with my heart. I was doing so much better and you helped me. I d-don’t need your ssympathy, I don’t think you can help me anymore. Did you get tired of me? Was I just not enough to fill your needs? O-Of course I wanted to wait till we were married, because that’s h-how I was raised! Not eVerYthing was about you! It was always about what you wanted an’ an’ where you wanned to go. But I was so in love with you and so willing ta’ be there for you. When we got married, when we had kids, when we got older and sick…But now I’m done. I hate you SO Much, but I LOVE YoU even m-more. I put my life into everything we were and now, I don’t have one. It’s time for m-me to go.”

Ashley sits there crying her eyes out. Josh is too. He’s angry and sad and heartbroken. He wants to be alone. Away from her.

“Josh I-I’m so sorry.” She cries into her hands. He curls up, back towards her, trying to sip down the remainder of his drink.

“If you were sorry, y-you woulna dun it in the first place.” He just cries. His head is pounding once more from the lack of proper fluids and from all the emotional stress.

“Josh please come with me…I can take you to get help…” Ashley pleads, trying to save her ex.

“You can’t make sand back into rocks with your bare hands Ashley. An’ you can’t help me.” Josh closes his eyes once more, searching for the familiar sense of falling.

Before he goes out, he hears Ashley’s voice pleading for him to come back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this is where it might get confusing...the dialogue where Ashley and Josh are talking is all in Josh's head...

Tyler sprints out the car before he even puts it in park. Heading up the hill, his heart races in fear. He can hear sirens in the distance. He sees the silhouette of two people up at the top.

He comes to see Ashley holding Josh and crying over him, along with bottle upon bottle of alcohol, except most of them are empty.

“Josh I’m sorry! Please come back…I’m sorry…” Ashley cries, barely audible.

Tyler feels mixed emotions at the moment. He’s angry at Ashley, afraid that Josh may be dead, and terrified by what’ll happen if he’s alive.

He kneels down to the ground beside Josh and cries too.

-

The trip to the hospital is long and excruciatingly painful for everyone who witnessed Josh’s problem.

Jenna calls Josh’s parents up and informs them of the news. Tyler drives, gripping the wheel so hard his knuckles are white and silently crying.

Ashley is crying so much that it’s hard for her to see where she’s going.

Josh is unconscious in the back of an ambulance and tilting on the line between life and death.

-

They all sit in the waiting room again. It hurts. They all know that Josh won’t get out of this one as easily as he did the other time. Just the thought of him not surviving is lingering in all of their heads.

The Dun’s sit by Tyler and Jenna in silence, watching the news on the television and listening to the noise of the nurses and the people around it. Ashley sits a few seats away from them, needing to feel the presence of others, but knowing the circumstances if she gets too close.

They’ve been here for hours, with no news, Josh’s parents fearing the worst. Tyler and Jenna hope for the best, but both remember how much worse Josh looked this time. Ashley feels guilty and regretful. It was her choice to do this and this whole ordeal is all her fault. The stress of this situation is making her head hurt.

“Ashley, are you okay?” Jenna sighs, trying to be nice in this situation for everyone’s sake.

“No…I just…I need some air.” She stands up and makes direct eye contact with Jenna. “excuse me.” She leaves out the sliding doors and breaks down immediately. Just knowing that she was responsible for someone’s downfall, especially someone she loves, is overwhelming.

She sits down on the curb and cries.

-

“Josh, wake up!” Ashley shakes him, smiling, excited for the day ahead of them.

“What? Huh?” He wakes up, slowly opening his eyes to see his fiancé smiling at him. He immediately smiles when he sees her face. He proposed to her yesterday and he feels good about waking up with her there.

“I made you breakfast. Come on, I made French toast sticks and I feel good about it this time.” She shakes him some more and then stops. He can’t help but smile at her. He’s ready to spend the rest of his life with her.

She walks out the room and Josh gets out of his bed, walking out his room with only shorts on. The scent of vanilla and French toast hits him as he exits his room. He glances at the clock on the cable box, and makes a face. He wanted to wake up at 9:30 but he’s 2 hours late.

“I made this special for you.” He sees that she set up the table for them to eat together.

“Looks good Ash.” He smiles brightly at her.

“Only for you Josh.”

-

She steps back inside and sees that Josh’s parents are no longer sitting in the waiting room seats. Instead, they’re talking to a doctor who’s wearing a solemn look on their face, one to relate bad news.

“I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Dun, but Josh is not as lucky as last time. He’s slipped into a coma and we aren’t quite sure of whether he will come out of it. His Alcohol content level went way above 4.0 and we did everything we could to prevent this from happening.”

Laura falls into her husband’s arms, not being able to fathom the surreal feeling she’s experiencing. Her son is now in a coma, hanging on for dear life. This seems worse than him dying. Now it’s the fact that he’s still alive, but she can’t talk to him and she knows that he might never come back and she may never get to see his smile again.

“The good thing is that he’s in a stable condition, but he’s currently on life support. He’s been moved to a proper room. I can take you to see him if you wish.” The doctor says. The job that she chose has ups and downs; he gets to save lives, relaying good news to people’s families and watching how happy they are, or she can’t do anything about someone’s condition and she has to see the hope falling out of people’s eyes.

They both nod their heads desperately at the doctor who smiles sympathetically.

-

“What happened? What’s going on?” Ashley asks Jenna who glances up at her but looks back at what she’s doing.

“I don’t know. Josh’s parents just followed the doctor to the back and we decided that they should have their own time with him.” Tyler replies staring at the floor. He’s not very fond of Ashley or the fact that she’s here, but he needs to be polite.

“Oh God, Josh I’m sorry…” She whispers to herself, feeling the deepest sense of dread. “This is all my fault.”

“Look Ashley,” Jenna looks at her, “I don’t know how to say this without sounding awful and getting upset, but…you did what you did and it’s done. It won’t make anything better if you constantly beat yourself up. All we can do is hope and pray and…wait for Josh to get better, okay. And learn to just…think, because that seems to be your downfall. Can you do that, please?” She knows she came off a little bit sarcastic at the end, but she meant every word she said to Ashley.

The other woman sniffs and nods her head, sitting down a few seats away. She feels like a little girl who just got scolded by her mom.

All that’s left to do is wait for him.

-

“Spooky’s coming over today,” Ashley says after taking a sip of her water, “he said he needs to talk to you.”

Spooky. He’s one of those frenemies that never goes away, that always calls and always shows up. He preferred being called that and nobody knew if that’s what his real name is.

“Oh…” Josh sighs, taking a bite of a French toast stick and thinking about the history between him and Spooky.

It’s a love hate relationship between them; Spooky keeps Josh humble, but also makes him feel fear and like he doesn’t have purpose. It’s been that way for years, yet he can’t seem to let Spooky go.

“He said it was urgent.” Ashley looks at him and smirks. “But it’s always like that.”

Josh nods and half smiles at his fiancé.

-

“My poor boy.” Laura hugs her son, who is unresponsive on the hospital bed. Both her and her husband never thought he would go back. They never thought it would go this far.

“I remember how-how proud you were that you got sober. When you went out, I’d tell you not to go overboard, I-I didn’t want you to go back Joshua. I-I just want you to come back to us. Please hear me Josh. Please come back.” She sobs, still holding onto him.

His dad is silently crying as well. He’s taken the seat by the bed, holding Josh’s hand in his. “You’re so strong, Josh. Please get through this. Please come back…”

Bill doesn’t like crying, but he can’t help it in this situation. His first son. He can’t lose his son.

“I’m sorry I was so hard on you. I’m sorry that you resorted to drinking. I’m sorry I never listened to you. Just…fight through this. God, please help him through this.” Laura cries, “I won’t let you go.”

“We won’t let you go.” Bill inquires quietly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You will never know, what's behind my skull. So won't you say goodnight? So I can say goodbye."  
> Anthema-Twenty one pilots

Ashley sits quietly near Jenna and Tyler. Tyler is sitting with his head in his hands, rocking slowly back and forth like he’s going insane.

Just the thought of his best friend, in the hospital again, suffering, makes his heart shatter. He could have stopped this somehow. Maybe if he had spent more time with Josh to get his mind off of everything, he would be okay. Maybe if he was with Josh the night it started up again…none of this would have happened. He feels like an inadequate friend.

Jenna rubs his back, looking at the door, watching for Josh’s parents. She still can’t believe that this happened again.

Tyler gets a text from Laura telling them Josh’s room number. A small tinge of relief flows through Tyler. If they put him in a room, that means that he’s alive. That means that he has a chance to come back.

“Room 317.” Tyler tells Jenna, standing up and wiping his eyes from tears. She nods and stands up too.

The three of them make their way over to the actual hospital where Josh was moved.

-

 **_“Hey Josh. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”_ ** _Spooky says, sitting down on Josh’s bed, bouncing on it._

_“What do you need Spooky?” Josh stands by the door, arms crossed and annoyed already._

**_“That is not a way to talk to a guest.”_ ** _He smirks at Josh who rolls his eyes, **“anyway, just want to say that I’m on your back. I’ll be at that performance you have on Saturday and I’ll be looking out for you to fail, unless you succeed my expectations but, I completely doubt that.”**_

_Josh shivers, the look in Spooky’s crimson colored eyes makes him want to run. Spooky’s body language is hostile, like he’s about to attack Josh._

_“O-okay.” Josh stutters accidentally._

**_“You have all the right to be afraid Josh. They’re watching to see you fail. So am I. So, I suggest that you get good.”_ ** _Blurry smiles at Josh who feels intimidated by the man sitting on this bed._

_There’s a knock on the door and someone lets themselves into the room._

_“Hey. Spooky, not surprised to see you here.” C says._

_C is the opposite of Spooky. He always wants the best for Josh and he tries to make Josh do the right thing._

**_“Look who decided to show their face. I’m ready to show you up again.” Spooky crosses his arms._ **

_“I really hate you. Joshua,” C turns to the pink haired man, “don’t listen to whatever he just said because it isn’t true, okay? Besides, who says ‘get good’?”_

**_“Everyone you idiot. And besides I’m just trying to reinforce something that he already knows.”_ ** _Spooky retorts to C who shrugs it off._

_“Not really, at least not if they’re serious. I never hear anyone use that phrase unironically so, I don’t see what your point is dimwit.” C smirks at Josh, proud of his smart remarks._

_“Enough you two! I’m done with you guys always fighting! It’s so annoying!” Josh snaps at the both of them who are shocked at Josh’s sudden change of mood. “Spooky, shut up, I don’t care. And C…well you’re fine.”_

_“Anyway, I’m getting out of here. I can’t…I can’t take this.” Josh opens the door to his room and exits, sitting on the couch in his house._

_-_

“Josh I…” Ashley starts out but can’t bring herself to continue what she wants to say. Her whole body is shaking, fearing that she’ll never be able to talk to him again and never be able to express how sorry she really is.

“Josh…I never expected to be here seeing you like this…I never thought it would go this far…I never thought…oh geez…that you’d be here for two months…like this. I thought you’d be upset, but move on, though that never happened. I ruined your life. I wish I would’ve never cheated on you…I wish that you were awake and we were living happily together. We could grow up together, live in LA…raise a family and grow old…” She grabs Josh’s left hand which is cold which makes her even more guilty.

Josh has always had warm hands. Whenever they were walking down the street, he’d grab her hand and smile at her, kissing her on the forehead.

“I’m trying to make sure nobody takes you away from me…that’s what you’d say. Not aggressively, but it was cute how you’d squint your eyes when you smiled. I miss that smile Josh…please come back soon…” Ashley cries onto his cold hand, rubbing circles onto the back of it.

-

_“I heard that Spooky. I wouldn’t cheat on him ever. Who could?” Ashley calls across the room, washing the few dishes that are left in the sink._

**_“I dunno, you tell me.” He smirks, looking at Josh who just rolls his eyes._ **

_“Stop patronizing my fiancé. If you keep messing with her I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.” Josh says politely even though he wants to punch Spooky in the neck._

**_“Don’t worry I’ll leave by myself. Geez, can’t you take a joke?” Spooky sighs, standing up from the couch that he’d been sitting in for an hour and a half._ **

_“That wasn’t funny. If you’re gonna go, then go.” Josh stands up too, walking to the door and opening it for his unwanted guest._

**_“Tell C that it was fun…talking to him.” Spooky laughs as he walks out the door to Josh’s house._ **

_C and Spooky had gotten into a fight, C was knocked unconscious and now he’s lying in the guest bed at Josh’s place. He knew he shouldn’t have left them alone together. Spooky is powerful when it comes to hand to hand combat while C is better with words._

_“Josh…whoa dude…I’m gonna kill Spooky one day I swear.” C says, hand over his head. He slowly comes down the stairs and trips on the last one falling to the ground with a thump._

_“C! Are you okay?” Josh tends to his friend and Ashley stops what she’s doing to check on him._

_“Eh…My head hurts, but I’m okay…” He attempts standing, but stops when the pain in his head increases. “No I’m not…nevermind…”_

_“You need to rest. Just stay here for a while, it’s okay.” Josh helps his friend to the couch where Spooky was previously sitting._

_“But I don’t want to be in your way…Look Josh, I came here to be support to you and to make sure you’re okay. It doesn’t go the other way around. I have to get home to my dog anyway.” C stands up quickly and goes to the door, smiling at Josh and Ashley. “Thanks for your hospitality, but I must leave.”_

_And with that C is gone._

_-_

“How do we…I don’t want this to be…” Drained. Emotionally drained. Laura doesn’t know how to process the question that the doctor just told them. She wants her son back.

All 3 months that Josh has been in a coma have been painful for everyone in Josh’s inner circle. Every day, Laura stops by, along with Tyler and Jenna, and Ashley, all hoping that he’ll come back, that they’ll be able to see him smile again.

“I know this is a tough thing to consider, but Josh has been on life support for 3 months and around this time is when we give the option. You aren’t required to do this, but there’s no way to tell when or if Josh will come back.” The doctor folds her hands on her desk, looking at a picture of her kids, remembering that one of them could be in this situation.

“I won’t do it. He’ll come back. I don’t care if we have to wait for a year for him to come back.” Bill rests his hand on his wife’s shoulder, trying to get her to calm down, “No Bill! I can’t just give up on him like this. I believe that God’ll bring him back. I know it! He can’t just…he won’t take him away from me. He won’t.”

She feels like crying, but she’s run out of tears to cry and she’s just tired. Tired of trying to get the rest of her family to keep holding on, tired of waiting near the phone for news on her son’s condition, tired of not having enough energy to smile.

“I agree. Whatever happens, happens. I just want my son back.” Bill tells the doctor, holding his fragile wife in his arms, hoping that this nightmare will come to an end soon.

The doctor nods her head at the couple, understanding their will to keep their son alive, but also wondering how they’ll take it if Josh does not come through.

Parents and loved ones usually take it the same way: denial, instant grief, it’s all the same in the doctor’s eyes. The many faces of brokenhearted parents and siblings, the faces of people who were holding on to something that they utterly couldn’t control, and having emotions that were destined to come in the first place.

“We’ll do everything we possibly can to get him back.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Empty sky, no way that's me, cause one half of my heart is free. Empty sky, no way that's me, cause the other half of my heart's asleep"-Blasphemy by Tyler Joseph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like these updates are way too frequent and I'm so sorry for that. I hope this is still good frens.

It’s been 4 months.

His appearances were in two places: Josh’s hospital room, or his bedroom. He barely goes out of it anymore.

Jenna’s attempted to get him to go out, but no matter what she says, Tyler stays in his room, not willing to show his face unless Josh wakes up.

But today, he’s contemplating leaving social media for a while. Everyone constantly yelling at him to know where he and Josh are and he’s been painfully thinking about what he’ll say to answer their questions.

“Do you want me to…type it out for you…I mean…I know this is hard. I’ll do it if you want me to…” Jenna offers to her husband who’s staring at the cellphone in his hand, forgetting how it felt to put his words in front of thousands of other people.

“No…I have to do this. For Josh. For his parents and siblings. I have to. I called them and told them my plans and they agreed so…I have to. For my best friend…” Tyler sniffles at the thought of his best friend who’s laying in a bed right now for who knows how long, hanging on for his life. He can’t just let this go. He can’t leave the clique in the dark.

Tyler posts a picture he took of Josh a while ago and sighs, not truly ready for what he’s about to say.

_@tylerrjoseph_ : _I know everyone has been wondering where Josh and I have gone over the past few months and it’s time for me to tell you since you deserve answers. It has to do with Josh. He’s been having an ongoing problem that I’d rather keep private. Josh is a really great person who is dealing with something that no one deserves to have. As a result of these problems, Josh had an incident that almost killed him. But things got better slightly. Now, however, it’s serious. Almost 3 months ago, he had another incident that has not turned out as well as the last time. Josh is currently in a coma and has been this way for 3 and a half months. Thank you for sticking around with us for the time we have been absent, but it may take a while for us to come back. I do ask that you could be respectful of his family’s space and privacy because this is a very difficult time. Along with that, I will not be present on the internet much since this is quite a hard thing to deal with. I will ask of you one more thing: if you’re out there, please send prayers to my friend and his family. They need all the strength that they can get. Please stay alive, for me, for Josh. Thank you guys for your support._

Tyler wipes his eyes. He was crying through the whole thing. By now it doesn’t matter what their opinion is. It doesn’t matter if they stay or not. It doesn’t. There aren’t any words left to say that’ll make Tyler happy right now and there aren’t enough people who can make him feel better. His best friend might not come back.

And this might not have the outcome that he wants.

-

“Josh wake up, Josh please wake up. I know you’re in there listening somewhere. You can’t just be…gone…you can do this. Please.” Debby puts her hands on his cold arm and shakes her head, still in disbelief of the fact that Josh is in this state.

Josh told her about his problem when they were together. She never talked about it with him unless he wanted to talk about it because she knows what boundaries are and she never wanted to push him to do something that he didn’t want to do. Like she had been.

“I just want you to come back. I feel like this is my fault. I never should have let you go. You’d be fine and you wouldn’t have this problem and…” she stops, throat closing and hands shaking, “I love you Josh…I really do.”

The door to the room opens slowly, but doesn’t close. Nobody can make Debby move away from Josh right now. It’s like gravity is pulling extra hard on her. She won’t look up and she doesn’t care to.

The door closes and the person walks in, hesitant to go any further into the room. She really wants to see Josh right now.

“I don’t even care who’s in here. Nobody can make me leave his side. I just…feel like I should have done something to help him. If I had maybe…stayed in contact with him or-or stayed with him…maybe he’d be awake right now, smiling, playing the drums like he used to. He’d be alive and…oh God…I-I’m sorry to ramble to you I just-“ Debby looks up to see the stranger she was confiding in. Ashley is standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, a sad expression left on her face.

“Oh! Oh no…Ashley I…” Debby sighs, “I’m sorry for this. Congratulations on…well…You and him must have been so happy I…don’t mean to take up your time and get in between you and Josh. I really miss him…” She’s trying to hold back the tears that continually stream down her face as she looks at the other woman.

“No, it’s…it’s okay. I…This is my fault…Josh and I…well I broke up with him because I was…cheating on him. He went back to drinking that night. That was the first time. He got worse and then I announced that I was expecting and…here we are. There are a lot of things that I’ve done wrong in the past, but this is the worst thing that I’ve ever done. This isn’t his son…and I’m not his girlfriend anymore…” Ashley takes a seat in one of the spare chairs in the room, messing with her fingers in embarrassment and regret.

“Oh…I um…” There’s really nothing for her to say that won’t result in somebody running out of the room crying right now. It would have been better if Ashley hadn’t told her. If she hadn’t said anything to her. It would have been better if she would have been talking with Josh.

They sit there awkwardly for a moment that seems like eternity. Just like the eternity that it’s been since Josh was awake. Painful, long minutes that stretch into what feels like hours. No words to be said between the two to make the situation less heavy.

-

_“This is the night my man,” C pats his friend on the back, “this is do or die. Just know that I’m here for you.”_

_“Thanks ma-“ Josh turns around but doesn’t see his friend anywhere. He just vanished._

_Tyler walks up to his friend and puts his arm around the shorter man’s shoulders. “You ready to roll, buddy roll Josh Bun?” Some jokes that Tyler says make Josh cringe so hard, but it’s okay now because it fights his nerves off temporarily._

_“Yeah, Tyler Broseph, I’m ready.” Josh smiles compassionately at his best friend. Is he really ready?_

_-_

“W-What made you cheat…on Josh?” She’s ticked off. The longer the silence lasted, the more she realized what Ashley told her. Ashley _hurt_ one of her best friends. She nearly made one of her main support systems and her crush drink themselves to death. And she doesn’t care if Ashley’s been yelled at a million times about this, because she deserves another one.

Debby’s never been a yeller. In her acting and Co-producing she’s had to raise her voice, but outside of the workspace, it never happened. There was no will to raise her voice at someone or something. But now was different. She _loves_ Josh and she will fight anyone who tries to hurt him.

“I-I don’t know! I don’t know Debby! Okay! I thought that maybe there was something in someone else and as a result I was taken advantage of! So it went both ways. I don’t expect him to forgive me, or to talk to me ever again or to acknowledge me, but I get it, okay? I deserve every word thrown my way. I deserve to get cancer or die or whatever they may say. I just want to see him be okay and then I’ll disappear forever.” All they do is stare at each other, the anger transferring between the two. They’re tense, the room is getting heated and somebody might strike.

This is not a good turn of events.

-

_“Give it up for my friend Josh on the drums!” Tyler says, pressing his lips up to the microphone and smiling at the crowd. “That’s my best friend okay. My best fren.”_

_People scream and cheer at them which always makes them smile. A mass response from a giant group of people._

**_“Josh…” Someone whispers to him from behind his platform. He looks back to see Spooky’s eyes glowing behind him. Red and bright, coming for him. “It’s time to go.”_ **

_“What? What the heck Spooky, I’m in the middle of a show! Leave me alone!” Josh whisper yells at his counterpart. Tyler looks over to the platform for his friend, since he can hear Josh, he knows something’s wrong._

**_“No Josh. Not anymore. You’re coming with me!” Spooky grins at Josh and yanks on his arm, pulling him backwards and causing him to fall and hit the ground._**

**_“The day is today Josh. This is the day where I take over. I’ve lived inside your head for too long and I’m ready to break out.” Spooky stands over the man on the ground. Josh is helpless at this point. He’s dizzy from hitting his head on the ground and slightly disoriented._ **

**_“I always had to stand back and look at you and your pathetic life,” Spooky grabs him by the shoulders and lifts him up, “You should’ve ended it when I told you to, but you always listened to C. I was miserable Josh!” He throws him to the ground with all the strength he has._ **

**_“And you know what? It’s over tonight. I’m so sick of you and the pity parties you throw for yourself. I’m so sick of you and you’re pathetic emotions. I’m done with living in your head and I’m done with not being listened to!” Spooky kicks Josh hard in the ribs. Josh can feel one crack._ **

**_Spooky’s eyes are glowing a furious shade of red as he says these next words, “I can’t live in your head if your head isn’t alive.” Spooky grabs Josh by the neck and puts both hands around it, cutting off Josh’s airflow._ **

_The only sound coming from Josh are choking noises and attempts to breath in air. This feeling is all too familiar._

_Suddenly, it stops. The hands go away, he can breathe. He falls to the ground gasping for air. He hears muffled words, but all his body is focused on is getting air in his lungs. He opens his eyes, covering his neck to see Spooky on the ground and someone standing over him. It’s C._

_“I’ve never been good with fighting,” C kicks Spooky in the stomach, “I’ve never wanted to be. But when you mess with the one person who actually listens to me, who is nice to me, I can’t just sit here,” a punch to Spooky’s face, “ and let you rule. You’ve ruled over me for too long.”_

_C picks Spooky up and throws him back to the ground. “You were right. It’s time to end this.” Spooky takes a few more powerful hits and is…gone._

_Dead? Maybe not._

_Something happens. Spooky starts glowing from cracks that scatter his skin. It’s like someone tried to fix a cracked porcelain doll. It’s the brightest scene Josh or C have ever witnessed. Maybe even brighter than the sun._

_Then Spooky just…explodes. All the fragments of him scattered about the place._

_C falls to his knees, laughing for a moment and then passing out, too weak to attempt to stay awake._

_Josh lays there, bleeding nose, broken rib, but satisfied somehow._

_He closes his eyes and smiles, drifting off into whatever space his mind decides to take him._

_It’s finally over._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm completely open for ideas guys, btw


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm taking over my body, back in control, no more shotty. I bet a lot of me was lost, T's uncrossed and I's undotted."  
> Holding onto you-Twenty one pilots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay!  
> update frequency is a little much, sorry about that  
> This whole thing makes me think of Josh's instagram description;   
> "I'm not sentimental. This skin and bones is a rental." -Josh Dun

Warm sheets and muffled voices. Bright light coming through to his eyes.

Artificial but real.

Not something that was made up by his brain, but something made by people.

He’s real again and he’s alive.

Josh is alive.

-

“Maybe I can play you another quick song.” Tyler laughs nervously, “Though I’ve played you a lot already.” Tyler glances at his wife who looks back at him in a funny kind of way.

“Play, boy Joseph.” Jenna shows a half smile to her husband who’s still hurting, but maybe slightly more than she is.

She’s came along on almost every single hospital visit for the 4 months that Josh has been out. Losing track of time with Tyler who’d wait for Josh and Josh who would just lay there, monitor beeping along to the same rhythm it had the day before and a tube to breathe for him.

Nothing happened with Josh all those days, but they’d hope. Hope that he’d wake up and be fine instead of the opposite where he’d never come back.

Tyler would grip his ukulele the same way, with sweaty palms on cold hands and a hopeful heart but hopeless brain. All he had to do was wait and hold on. All he needed was patience.

“This one’s for you Josh. All of them are for you actually.” Tyler looks down at the small instrument in his hand and sniffs, remembering the days where he’d look at his best friend for support on the stage and when Josh would give him thumbs up and mouth ‘you can do it’ to him. Those days seem so far away now.

Just a distant memory.

-

Something is in his mouth, breathing for him. It’s unnatural.

He begins to panic. It feels like someone’s trying to take the air out of him.

He doesn’t feel ready enough to open his eyes, but he needs to get out of wherever he is.

The sound of music catches up to him along with a familiar voice complementing it.

Tyler.

-

_And I’ll be holding onto you_

_And I’ll be…holding…_

He can’t do it anymore. He’s done pretending it’s fine. That he can just sing his problems away now. Right now, in this moment, he can’t. He really can’t. Josh is still in his head and Tyler wants his best friend back.

“I’m done. Josh, I doubt that you can hear me now, but I need you back. I miss my best friend. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you better. I just…Josh please come back. I know you can’t summon somebody out of a coma, but I just…” Tyler sets down his ukulele and grabs his friend’s hand, crying onto it. “You deserve better Josh. I told the clique but who cares what happens now. All I want is my best friend back.”

He sits there, crying, staring at his best friend who lays there, unmoving, still.

But no.

Tyler feels Josh squeeze his hand. The warmth in them comes back and replaces the stone cold ones he’s had for the past 4 months.

“J-Josh? C-Can you hear me?” Tyler gets excited. Unless this is some sort of reflex or something. Tears prick the corners of his eyes, ready to fall if Josh is actually awake.

Josh gently squeezes his hand again and slowly opens his eyes. Tyler gasps finally seeing his best friend awake again. Seeing his mocha eyes again.

Tears flow next and they’re followed by Tyler hugging Josh as best as he can. “God, Josh. Oh God you’re back. Oh my gosh. Oh…” All Tyler can do is cry in happiness, because today is the day that the world got 110% better.

Josh’s moves his hand slowly to his mouth, trying to pull at whatever was in it. Jenna, who’s crying as well, sees this and goes over to hit the ‘call nurse’ button. A couple of nurses stream in as soon as she presses the button.

“He’s alive!” Tyler yells in joy at whoever just walked in. “Thank God he’s alive.”

The nurses come and check Josh’s vitals, taking everything away that wasn’t necessary to Josh now that he’s conscious again. The male gasps for as much air as he can get in at once, breathing in the smell of a hospital and of Tyler.

"Joshua, can you hear me? Can you see me?" Angelina asks Josh, looking deep into his eyes.

Josh nods his head.

"Are you able to talk to me Joshua?"

Josh parts his chapped lips to talk for the first time in months, "Y-yes." His voice sounds weak and hoarse due to the lack of use. Tyler cries even more, missing the sound of the drummers voice.

The nurses finish up in the room and walk out with promises of coming back to check on Josh's condition.

The newly awakened man looks at the two people in the side room, wondering how he managed to get here and why Tyler is crying so hard.

“T-Tyler? Jenna? What happened?” Josh asks with no recollection of any events directly before his fall into the unconscious state.

“Oh goodness Josh.” Jenna goes over to the bedside taking his hand in hers and wiping the tears from her face with the other, “You’ve been in a coma for 4 months…”

Josh just stares at her, not being able to understand what she just said.

“But you’re back so it’s okay! You’re okay. I’ve-I’ve gotta tell your parents and your siblings and-and…” Tyler smiles genuinely, looking up at his best friend who looks like he could be sick at any moment.

Tyler attempts to text them all, shaking hands fumbling over letters. Thank goodness for autocorrect, because Tyler would have messaged nonsensical syllables and phrases to everyone.

“Tyler…” Tyler immediately switches his attention to his best friend who’s looking up at him with tears in his eyes, “I’m not married, am I?”

Tyler’s breath catches in his throat for a moment. He really did forget the turn of events that led him to that hospital bed. He didn’t remember how Ashley broke his heart and how he didn’t take it well. He didn’t remember when he drank himself away.

“Um…no…Josh.” Tyler says slowly looking away from the drummer.

His heart drops. The whole thing felt so real. Probably to real to be true. The happiness he had felt too real. He shouldn't have trusted the emotions his head created. It put him into a false sense of security that he should've known was wrong. Comfort that he didn't deserve and happiness that someone else should have.

“Okay…” The tears fall quickly down Josh’s face and he closes his eyes, embarrassed to even bring it up. It was all just a dream.

“How did I…how did this happen? What happened? What did I do?” He whispers, sniffing occasionally.

Josh was making it impossible for Tyler to keep him happy. He doesn’t want to leave him in the dark, but he also just got out of a 4-month coma. He’d love to answer any question he has except for this one.

“I’m so glad you’re alive Josh…I’ve missed you so much…” Tyler smiles, wiping the tears off his face and smiling at the man lying in the bed, staring with a blank expression at the ceiling. “You didn’t miss much here…Your mom was actually just here…so was your dad. They’re coming soon.” All Tyler can think to do is switch the subject. No answer he could give would make his desperate friend happy. No lie could cover up what Ashley did or what he did to himself.

Josh just nods his head, looking at the ceiling, thinking about his encounter with Spooky and C and how he never wants to go back.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to bring Jonas back at some point in time...he's cool...  
> I also thought about being awful and just putting the first part in, but I'm not that trashy.  
> Also, I apologize for updating too much guys, I hope it isn't too annoying. The updates are going to slow down a bit now though.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "While you're doing fine, there's some people and I, who have a really tough time getting through this life, so excuse use while we sing to the sky."  
> Screen-twenty one pilots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I feel like this is a very long chapter. It seems like it to me. Hopefully it isn't too long.  
> I'm always up for suggestions and If you need to talk, I'm here :D

Nurses have been going in and out of his room. Checking his vitals and his blood, making sure he’s stable. Shortly after the last nurse leaves, Josh’s parents burst in the room, practically flying over to the side of their son’s bed.

“Mom…Dad…” Tears form in the eyes of the man lying in the bed.

“Joshua! Joshua you’re alive! Thank God you’re alive.” Laura cries onto her son’s hair as she hugs him tightly from the left, while Bill is hugging his son from the right. “I knew you’d come back. Honey I knew…” She holds her son.

“You’re alive! I’m so happy you’re alive Joshua. You don’t understand how happy I am.” Bill sobs, his tears hitting the tattoo on his son’s right arm.

They sit there for a moment, embracing each other, holding on to one another because they don’t want someone to slip away again.

The finally let go of each other, smiling and wiping the tears from their faces. Laura wipes the tears from Josh’s face and smiles at him. He smiles back at her, taking in her smile and her face once again. This smile that he missed for 4 months and the same one that he took for granted.

“Baby, are you okay? Do you feel okay? Oh Joshua, you’re alive! Thank God! I knew he’d keep you safe I knew you’d come back oh I missed you.” Laura holds his face in her hands, sobbing rivers from her eye sockets. Her son’s face is no longer pale and lifeless, but living with his eyes that shine with tears and a smile that mends her broken heart.

“Mom, I-I’m sorry…” Josh sobs burrowing into his mother’s hand.

Momma Dun shushes her son and holds him close like she would if he was 5. “No baby, don’t be sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry for Joshua. As long as you’re okay baby, you’re okay.”

-

Josh is being kept in the hospital for a couple weeks, the doctor checking his condition and monitoring his brain and liver function. He also has to take physical therapy since he hasn’t had use in his legs for months.

Almost every minute, he was surrounded by friends and loved ones who’ve been waiting for him to come back and who cried when they heard that he was awake again.

“Josh!” Brendon holds his arms out and walks to the drummer’s bedside.

“Brendon hey!” They hug for a minute and Brendon lets go, wiping his eyes.

“Dude, I thought you were gonna die…” Brendon smiles, but Josh can see the sadness behind his eyes. “I actually…prayed for once. Look what you made me do.”

Josh smiles and shakes his head, looking at his friend who sits down in a chair next to the bed. “How’ve you been?”

“Uh…huh…I dunno. Worried. Sadish. Drunk, high, you know me.” He laughs. “Nah, nah, in all seriousness, I was okay…I guess…” Brendon pauses looking at his hands. “How about you?”

“Hm…Gee…partially dead. Unconscious. You know the usual.” Josh says sarcastically, but not in a mean way.

“Oh yeah. You’re right. Ah…” Brendon leans back in the chair and closes his eyes. For once, he has nothing to say. Nothing to make the moment less awkward. His friend just got out of a coma for goodness sake. He feels like he shouldn’t be here. Like he’s invading Josh’s personal space.

“I-I just wanted to make sure you were okay. And if you need to talk,” Brendon stands, “You can always tell me anything”

“You…You’re leaving already?” He’s disappointed. Was it something he said? Was he too mean with his answer? Why does he keep driving people away?

“Yeah, I’ll be back at some point, but I’ll give you some time alone. I think you deserve that right now after what you’ve been through.” Brendon turns the handle to the door, “Bye Josh.” He smiles at the man in the bed and leaves he room.

The man sighs, looking at his hands.

**_What did I do?_ **

-

He’s extremely exhausted. He’s afraid to sleep because he doesn’t want to be in the same dream state that he was in for 4 months. He doesn’t want to be in the situation where Spooky is after him or C is trying to protect him. As much as C helped him, he just can’t go back. The mental strain and exhaustion it causes is too strong for Josh to handle. The bickering, the fighting, everything.

Josh is so tired that he begins to quietly cry, too afraid to sleep, but too exhausted to stay awake. The stress on his brain is wearing him out even more. It feels worse than physical pain. Mental turmoil that he can’t seem to fix.

His body begins to slowly shut down without his consent. He panics, and quickly grabs his phone, dialing the first number that comes to mind.

“Hello?” A tired voice answers the phone.

“T-Tyler…I don’t want to be alone. P-Please…can you come over?” Josh’s voice is small and sad, he curls in on himself, holding his phone with both hands.

Shuffling can be heard in the background as Tyler says, “Of course, I’ll be right there.”

-

Tyler opens the door, looking at Josh whose eyes are half open and puffy. His lip is quivering as tears continuously stream down his face.

“Are you okay?” Tyler takes Josh’s hand and looks in his eyes, searching for some clue of what’s going on in his friend’s head.

“I-I’m scared Tyler. I’m exhausted, b-but I can’t sleep because I’m scared I’ll see them again. But I’m so tired.” Josh sobs, looking away from the singer, embarrassed to even talk to him.

“Who Josh? You can tell me, I promise. Maybe that will help. Who are they?” His voice is gentle and reassuring.

Josh explains the whole dream that he had while in the coma. He tells him about his engagement to Ashley, about Spooky and C. Everything that made him fear to go back to sleep.

“And he-he tried t-to k-kill me. He st-strangled me. But C…C saved me. I-I’m afraid that he’ll come back to hurt me. I just want to go to sleep.” Josh cries to his friend who listens intently.

It’s painful seeing his friend so afraid. He’s afraid of what’s in his head and Tyler can’t help stop that, because ultimately, his brain is the only thing that’s in control.

“Do you want me to go get sleeping pills for you?” Tyler suggests, “Maybe the nurses can get you some?”

Josh furiously shakes his head, “Please, please no! Please don’t leave me alone! Please…” His friend pleads like his life depends on it, grabbing onto the taller male’s arm.

“It’s okay Josh, shh, calm down okay, I’ll stay with you.” Tyler sits down in a chair, holding onto his friend’s hand.

They sit there for a moment, no words spoken between either man.

“T-Tyler?” Josh says feebly.

“Yes Josh?” Tyler looks up at the man in the bed with slightly purple hair.

“Can you…Unless it’s too weird for you but…can you…” Josh gestures for him to come to the bed. Tyler gets what Josh is trying to say and climbs up onto it. He holds Josh gently, like a small child.

“Thank you.” Josh whispers.

“Definitely no problem.”

-

“Hey Josh. You’re back.” Jonas quietly closes the door behind him.

“Oh, hey Jonas. Yeah, I’m back.” The male nurse sits in the chair beside his bed.

“Are you on break?” Josh asks the redish haired man.

“Yeah. It’s actually my day off, but I always come back here on my days off.” He looks at his hands and back up at Josh.

The drummer notices something. Jonas’ eyes. They’re crimson. Just like Spooky’s. He’s mesmerized by their color, so much so that he just blankly stares into the man’s eyes.

“Josh?”

“Huh? Oh…I’m sorry…It’s just…your eyes. Have they always been like that?” He feels like he’s being rude for asking, but he’s honestly curious.

The man with the Crimson eyes nods his head, sighing, “Yeah. It’s like some type of rare thing with my genes. Like 1 in a 5.7 billion ratio. I’m required to wear contacts because people are disturbed by my eyes. The hospital says it “freaks people out” or that it’s “unsettling”. I feel like a freak honestly. Whenever I look in the mirror… I feel so out of place. I’m too intimidating to talk to. Girls think it’s weird. My brother thinks it’s cool, but my parents…They almost put me up for adoption because they thought that I was evil. I had to be homeschooled because my parents knew that I’d get bullied. It’s…hard, but I have to deal with it. I feel like the description of the person to the song ‘Creep’ by Radiohead.” Jonas shrugs his shoulders and then slaps his forehead. “Dang it! I’m doing that thing again!”

Josh feels ultimate pity. It’s a deep feeling of sympathy that runs through every vein in his body. Jonas is a wonderful person who really doesn’t deserve to be treated so unfairly. That’s just how the world is. They shun the things that they don’t understand, leaving people who aren’t like them in the dust to feel bad about themselves.

“So when you saw me, I was wearing contacts...This isn’t about me though…How are you feeling?” He quickly changes the subject while averting his eyes to the ground, not wanting to look him in the eyes.

“Better, I think. It’s good to be out of my head…I didn’t like it there.” Josh sighs, honestly trying to forget the events that his mind had made up.

“I get that. Do you…remember anything from before?” Jonas asks Josh.

He nods his head and looks up at the ceiling. “I think I remember why I did what I did.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Jonas says quickly, not trying to pressure the older man into something he doesn’t want to do.

“No…I think I need to talk to someone about it. I can’t keep it in anymore.” Josh attempts to sit up, but ultimately ends up half slouching and half laying down. “So…my girlfriend…ex-girlfriend…called me up the first night and broke up with me. She told me that she had cheated on me and I just…I got triggered. I relapsed, I guess, because I had previously had an, uh, alcohol problem…everything came crashing down that night. My happiness, my sanity, everything.” Josh pauses for a minute, collecting his thoughts.

“That’s how I got here the first time. It was horrible…I was heartbroken, but I started to slowly recover. Then…my ex put on her Instagram that she was pregnant and I just…That was when I gave up. I lost hope for recovery and I let go…I didn’t want to live anymore. It’s just like…what if she knew about it while we were together? Every night, she came over and acted like everything was fine and I thought it was too. But she just threw away my heart and my love and…I had enough. That’s what happened. I don’t really remember what I said or anything…but…I dunno anymore.”

Jonas sits quietly, too sad to even say anything. The man lying down in front of him seems like a genuinely nice person who truly does not deserve this. Why does the bad stuff have to happen to the good people?

“It’s the feeling of not being loved and feeling utterly useless…” Josh sighs.

“That’s what happens when people look at my eyes and turn away in fear…” Jonas adds.

A mutual understanding happens between the two men as they sit in silence.

Jonas speaks to break the silence, “Hey…I listened to some of your songs. They’re pretty rad. I really like forest though. And Doubt and you know, the rest of them.” Jonas laughs, “Me and my brother were singing in the car while traveling to see our grandparents. I didn’t tell him I know you, but he was devastated when he heard the news…But whatever about that. I’m going on again.”

Josh smiles, happy that Jonas and his brother could bond over the music him and his best friend made.

“No it’s fine. I need something to smile about for once.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, have you guys seen the speeshees leak? It's art. The most beautiful song by twenty one pilots ever!!!111!111!11


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the one part at the end...  
> It's kinda random, but I just kinda typed so...yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the next chapter may be the end because hello time jumps!

The door opens slowly after the knock reaches Josh’s ears. The person coming through the door holds a flower in her hand for Josh, along with a small teddy bear.

They lock eyes for a moment. Just like they used to. His eyes would sparkle and hers would too. But it’s different now. Only her eyes shine and sparkle the same way. His eyes have lost that shine, gone dull because of this same reason. No more of the mutual happiness that they had.

“H-hello, Josh.” She stands by the door, hesitant to go farther, noticing the change of mood between them.

“Hello Ashley.” Nothing. He feels empty towards her. All that he had to give to her was wasted away and it wasn’t his fault. He’s finally beginning to learn that what happened wasn’t because of anything that he did.

They sit awkwardly together in the room, the dim lamplight and the sunset casting shadows against them. The warm setting feels so cold to her.

“I…uhm, just wanted to give this to you and say goodbye. I feel as though this is the last time that we’ll see each other and…I want to say thank you for always being there for me, even when I wasn’t there for you. This is not what I intended to happen, but as long as you’re okay right now…nothing really matters.” Her eyes turn sad, thinking about her future without him.

Josh just smiles at here. His cold eyes complementing the atmosphere in the room between them. “Okay. Thank you, Ashley.”

She walks over to the nightstand by Josh’s hospital bed and puts the stuff down.

Leaning down next to him, she gives him a peck on the cheek. He doesn’t flinch. He barely breathes. The effect of her love potion has worn off entirely.

“Good bye Joshua, I’m glad you’re awake.” He watches her walk slowly out the door, watching the person who almost ruined his life, walk straight out of it.

_You’ll be okay Joshua._

-

He’s finally allowed out of the hospital. After all those months of waiting hopelessly, the endless nightmare that his mind put him through and the days he spent, awake, longing for home, are all coming to a close in this moment. He can finally go home, lay in his own bed, feel his own sheets, actually take a shower since he hasn’t had one in 4 months.

His mother is driving him, smiling, finally able to take her son home after those treacherous months of hope and fear that are being tied off with happiness and relief.

“You can always stay with us if you’d like, Josh. You’re always welcome home.” She prods, trying to subliminally convince him to stay home so that he can be safer.

“Thank you, mom, but I really need to go on my own again. I don’t want people to have to babysit me for the rest of my life. I just need to take this into my own hands.” He half smiles at his mother and looks out the window at the familiar scenery around him. All this looks the same but somehow different. Having his eyes closed for 4 straight months has given him a new perspective on the world around him. Every tree they pass, every star in the sky seem to have more purpose. To fill the space surrounding them.

They arrive at his house, the familiar place that he’s been missing for a year. His grass has been taken care of, probably by his neighbors. The sense of anxiety coming to this place has dissipated, his mind getting rid of the thought that anything could go wrong here again.

His mother turns off the car and smiles at her son, opening the door. “I’m going in with you.” She gets out the car.

“But mom I-“ She waves her hand, dismissing whatever comment her son was about to make, going up the front steps. She patiently waits by the door for her son who grabs his things out of her car.

He takes a deep breath and unlocks the door to his house, turning on the lights to see his family and friends in front of him, smiling.

“SURPRISE!” They all yell in unison, startling the drummer enough to make him stumble a few steps backward. He just expected to be alone tonight.

“What’s going on?” The 5’6” man sets down his things and looks around at everyone standing before him. The crew, his siblings, Brendon, Dallon, Debby, Tyler, Jenna, Jesse, everybody seemed to be there.

“Welcome back Josh! It’s a ‘welcome back’ party!” Tyler chimes in, wrapping an arm around his friend. Josh stands in awe at the sight of everyone in front of him.

_Josh, they value you as a person._

_They all love you and care for you._

_And I promise that they don’t want anything bad to happen _to you.__

_Welcome back Josh._

_You’re home again._

_-_

_“_ Yeah and my manager was just like ‘you need to work overtime again’ and I just couldn’t you know?” Ashley says to Hayley as they talk about jobs.

Josh sits quietly, listening in on everyone’s conversations, having nothing valuable to say, sipping his cup of water every now and then. Everyone is getting along so well, he just feels a little out of place still. The world, as expected, moved on without him and it’s kind of hard to catch up to it. He doesn’t have anything to talk about.

What’s he supposed to say? Would he say something about his dream state? About Spooky or C? He can’t do that. Maybe he could just ask what happened, just ask someone to fill him in on anything that he missed.

That would just break the conversation. He can’t do that, no. It’s just nice seeing everyone talk like this, he can’t ruin that.

Standing up, he goes to the door where he picks up his things quietly, and tiptoes to his room. Turning the light on, he looks around, stepping in. He can’t feel any emotions coming back to him by being in this room. He wonders if it’s a bad thing. Being so emotionally drained that things that should make him feel something, don’t make him feel anything at all. Maybe it’ll ware off. Maybe he’ll be like this forever. Maybe when he interacts with people, he just won’t react to them anymore.

It’ll go back to normal soon.

You’ll be okay.

I know that.

I just need more time.

-

Walking back out of his room, he hears people still chatting quietly in his living room. Brendon and Patrick are having an argument about if it would be better to eat a sandwich in a Ferrari or a Prius while Hayley, Debby and his sisters are listening to some music, laughing about something. Joe, Andy, Dallon and Tyler are talking about the record label and Jesse is in the kitchen with Josh’s mother and a few of the crew members, making smoothies.

Don’t you even do it.

What?

Joshua, I know you. You were going to say ‘they didn’t even realize that I was gone’ and then go back to your room.

Josh, it’s okay. Just calm down and go in there and have fun.

Don’t stress about it because you’ve already done enough of that.

Okay.

-

“You gotta have cake at a party.” Mark takes out his phone and takes a picture of them all surrounding Josh. He looks up at them all and half smiles at them.

“Thank you so much for this. I just…I probably wouldn’t be here without you.” He sniffs looking at his hands. His mother places a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “I mean it. I would probably be dead If I didn’t have such amazing family and friends. And I just…Just thank you for sticking with me through this. It means the world to me.”

“Now I,” Tyler starts, looking down at the cake, “need to let you in on a little secret.”

“We bought two cakes…” Abby says, putting her hand on the table. “And some cleaning supplies.”

“And we’re sorry in advance Joshua.” His mother says smirking.

“Oh no.” Josh says, realizing what’s about to go down.

“Everybody go!” Hands from all around him go in for the cake, grabbing handfuls of cake and throwing it at Josh. He laughs, covering his face and reaching for the cake, trying to throw it at somebody. It hits Dallon in the face. They all just end up throwing cake at each other until everyone is covered in marble cake and butter cream.

“Okay, okay,” Josh laughs for the first time in a while, “I get it. I got it.”

“That was fun.”

“Yeah.”

“I need a shower.”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s eat some cake!”

-

The party ends and everyone leaves after helping to clean up the cake fight. He goes to the bathroom and locks the door, looking at himself in the mirror. His hair dye is faded on the top of his head and the bags under his eyes are very apparent.

Turning on his shower, he watches the steam accumulate and takes it in. The steam surrounds him and he closes his eyes, embracing the moment.

He strips off his cake ridden clothing and steps into the shower, finally having the freedom to be clean. No more hospital, no more nurses. No more hospital gowns. He’s on his own with this.

He gets out of the shower and gets dressed, slowly going to his bed, exhausted out of his mind.

He flops on it and he instantly falls into his long awaited slumber.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Grabbed my hand, pushed me down, took the words right out my mouth. Tag, you're it, tag, tag you're it."  
> "Tag, you're it"-Melanie Martinez

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy frens...yes, this is the end. The last chapter. Thank you for sticking around with me on this. My first work. It's been so fun and I greatly appreciate all of you. I never expected to get 22 kudos on this thing. You're all so lovely. Imma miss this thing.  
> For now, I hope you enjoy this last chapter. It's short, but it's something.

“I’m dying my hair yellow.” He calls to Tyler from his bathroom.

“Really?” The singer walks down the hallway, holding a cookie and chuckling softly.

“Yeah. I’ll be as bright as a dandelion. Like, when they’re not…fluffy? You know what I mean.” He ends his sentence, getting away from trying to explain himself.

“Dun-delion.” Tyler snickers while looking at his friend get his dye stuff ready. “Or dun-shine!” He laughs looking at his best friend.

Josh rolls his eyes at his friend who takes a small bite of the cookie. “Can you help me with this?”

They continue on, Tyler helping his buddy dye his hair his favorite color while making jokes about dumb things. It feels like things are finally going back to normal.

He rinses out his hair and dries it off, looking at himself and his bright mop of hair. He feels like he looks like a highlighter.

“I look like a highlighter dude. But thank you.” He laughs at himself and wipes his eyes, then turning to look at his friend who’s standing in the doorway.

“I mean…I was thinking you look like an egg yolk but that’s true also.” Tyler laughs, going back into the kitchen to grab another cookie.

“Heh, you’re one to talk. Remember how everyone called you an egg when you shaved your head? Now we can be called the egg band!” He calls to his friend while going to his room to change his shirt.

When Tyler shaved his head, he practically broke half the internet. Everyone was criticizing his hair and telling their negative opinions about it. He was called, and still is called, an egg. He cared for a while, but remembered why he did it and realized that it was for himself. For his personal feelings.

“Hey man, we don’t talk about that.” The singer yells back to the drummer.

“Fine.” Josh agrees, “egg”

“I heard that!”

-

*A Year Later*

It’s the first day back on tour. He missed the feeling on being on tour and traveling. Seeing the faces of the people who support him and Tyler’s career. It’s a long-awaited return that Josh welcomes into his life. It is his life.

He went to rehab to finally get some help. He figured that it was about time to do that. About time to get help before he actually kills himself. Otherwise, he’d probably be drunk in his house again somehow, forgetting about all the consequences and just letting go.

Now that he’s back, he’s nervous. His anxiety is hitting the hardest that it ever has. Just the thought of all those people staring at him and maybe hating him after he’d been gone so long makes his stomach twist into knots.

He goes on Instagram briefly, just checking his feed. The first picture that pops up is that of a baby smiling. Curious, he clicks on it having an idea of what it is.

_@Volcanoesandash: I love my son. It’s been a journey with him and I. I’ve learned new things over the past few months with him. I’ve experienced heartbreak every time he cries. But most of all, I’ve learned what love truly means and how I’m supposed to utilize it. A shout out to my son Emerson Joshua Frangipane. I love you._

He forgot about Ashley. Nothing about her in his feed recently and nothing that reminded him of her. Everything that should’ve had gone back to their regular meanings and purposes. The mirror in his car now decorated with pictures of him and his friends, the drawer by his bed filled with fan art and things from the clique, and the pictures around his house were now those from the tour or his family. She no longer has much significance in his life and it’s finally okay for that to happen.

He puts his phone away and sighs.

Emerson Joshua Frangipane. The boy that is not his, but that of two strangers and one he used to know.

“Josh?” Tyler taps his friend on the shoulder, smiling at him. “You ready?”

“Yeah. I’ve been ready since last year.”

“Let’s go then.”

-

To be seated up there feels so familiar, yet so foreign. The drums in front of him are comforting to sit behind. This is where he’s supposed to be.

The music begins and he looks over to see his friend jumping off his piano and the crowd roaring in front of them. This is the type of night that he’s missed for the past year and a half. These are the people that he wants to be around. This is the night where his life can finally get back to being what it used to be.

He drums his heart away like he always does. He smiles like he used to. He feels happy, like he used to.

-

“What a night!” Him and his best friend high five, both out of breath from the events that just went down.

“Yeah! I missed that so much. I’m glad to be back.” His heart is beating fast out of adrenaline.

“You were on fire! I swear at one point in time, you were moving so fast that I couldn’t even see your arms. It was so sick dude!” Tyler takes a sip of water, exhausted, but energized.

They both sit on the couch in the dressing room, thinking back on the night and back on the people in the room with them, sharing the experience that they worked hard for.

“I’m so glad I’m back.”

-

Walking outside, they’re greeted by a group of eager fans who insisted on staying to see their inspirations. Both Tyler and Josh look at each other and smile, accepting of the people who waited for another hour, just to see them. Just to talk to them and take pictures. This is what they lived for.

“Oh my goodness! It’s actually you!” A girl squeals looking at them both and whispering excitedly to her friend.

“You’re real!” Another girl cries. “I can’t believe it.”

“I think I’m real. I’m real, right Tyler.”

“Yes, I think so. Am I?”

“Yes.”

“Okay good.” They both laugh, looking at the people in front of them.

They get through almost the whole group of people when Josh sees familiar red hair and eyes looking at someone. “Jonas?”

The man looks up and smiles immediately. “Josh! Oh my goodness! That show was so sick man! I didn’t know you cold drum like that!”

“I didn’t know you were coming.” Josh says, smiling wildly.

“Yeah, my brother wanted to go and so did I. You’ve gotta meet him. He’ll flip.” Jonas turns around and taps someone on the shoulder. The person turns around to reveal a face full of freckles, a mop of curly brown hair, and a large grin, complimented by dimples. His eyes widen as he looks at Josh.

“DUDE! Dude this is Josh frickin’ Dun!” He looks at Tyler who’s talking to someone, “and that’s Tyler frickin’ Joseph!” He gasps looking between his brother and Josh.

“I know. Josh, this is Judah, my brother.” Judah’s moth hangs wide open in shock.

“Nice to meet you.” Josh says politely, smirking at Jonas who shrugs his shoulders.

“N-nice to meet you t-too.” Judah turns to his brother, “How are you so calm right now? That’s Josh Dun! The drummer!”

“Judah, I know! I know Josh. I met him at the hospital.” He laughs at his brother who stares at him for a minute.

“Excuse me?! You know him?! And you didn’t even bother to tell me? Jonas I’m your brother!” Judah scoffs, crossing his arms. “You’ve hit a new low.” His brother shakes his head in disbelief.

“Chill dude, I’ve only known him for a year and a half so I mean-“

“WHAT?!”

Josh and Jonas laugh at Judah who stares at his brother in disbelief. “How could you?”

“Oh! Josh, I forgot to tell you that I met someone who has the same rare eye thing as me. I’ll introduce him to you. He really wants to meet you.” Jonas turns around again and taps another person who’s finishing up a conversation with somebody.

Before the man turns around, Josh gets a wave of chills up his spine and the feeling of dread hits him like a ton of bricks. He can feel the hair on his arms and the back of his neck stand up as his body begins to shake.

“Josh, are you okay?” Judah notices the man’s change in body language.

Jonas brings his friend over to Josh and he freezes in place. His blood runs cold and his stomach clenches. He feels like he could throw up. All mechanisms that respond to fear are going off in his body. Every part of him is telling him to run, but his feet are like cement and he can’t move. It’s taking every ounce of courage left in his body not to scream right now.

_Oh my God!_

Those same red eyes pierce his soul and steal his courage. That same grin that lowered his self-confidence each time it was flashed at him. Those same hands that almost strangled the life out of him.

They’re real.

_Joshua, run._

And they’re coming for him.

“Hello Joshua. My name is Spooky but I think you already know who I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end...plot twist...so yeah that's that. I was thinking about doing something else to go along with this, but I don't know. Tell me what you think.  
> Thanks guys.  
> Stay strong, stay alive. |-/  
> -NasdaqandtheStocks


End file.
